A good way to get kicked out of church is to shout “HOLE!” after every chorus of “Glory, Glory, Glory”.
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kids today are missing out of the pre-streaming era, where your childhood was at least partially defined by some semi-obscure movie your family just happened to own on tape and you watched several dozen times
Brad Pitt: Doc, did you ever see my movie “Seven” with me and Morgurt Freeman?
Doctor: I think you mean Morgan
Brad: Sorry, Morgurt Morgan
Give a girl a fish & she’s like “are u retarded?” Teach a girl to fish & she’s all “i only invited u to my party cause our moms are friends”
waitress: are there any allergies at this table?
me, already drunk: POLLEN
Extra virgin olive oil is just olive oil who got dating advice from me.
I can’t wait for my mom to come to my new house so she can tell me how I organized the kitchen wrong.
Me, waiting for my husband to realize that I was right.
Reminder: Please just hit the “RT” button on my tweets if you’re ugly. Don’t want people associating your busted face with my art.
Not to brag but I can trip over things that aren’t even there!
That terrible moment when you realize the old man in your Facebook feed was a high school classmate.
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
cheetah: 60mph but i can reach speeds of 75mph on smooth terrain
cop: [turns to camera] wow kids did you hear that? twitter is so full of wonderful facts
cheetah: that’s right officer. for instance did you know 9/11 was an inside job?
*holding huge scissors*
I hereby declare The Factory That Makes High Voltage Wires That Look Like Ceremonial Ribbons officially open for-
The best way to watch the MTV Music Video Awards is to turn on the TV and turn the channel to MTV and then go outside and set your house on fire.
I left my kids with a list of things for them to do today because apparently I like to be optimistic & disappointed at the same time.
I stopped experimenting in bed after the great honey disaster of 2015.
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
Maybe someone just charmed the pants off of Winnie the Pooh.
You shouldn’t sneak up on me like that, it’s rude!
Cop –
So ! Technically it’s YOUR fault I was speeding, because I didn’t see you
roses are red, violets are blue
*arnold schwarzenegger voice*
tell me who is your daddy
and what does he do
Me: so I’ve been a little unclear regarding everything you’ve asked me to do since Monday
Boss: Jesus
Me: let me finish. In February. 2011.
When my Internet is down for more than 2 minutes, I assume Western civilization has collapsed so I start looting.
I don’t know, but there is something strange in this decoration!😂
*gets out of the pool*
*gets into another pool but it’s full of rice so i can dry off*
[interrupts Pink Floyd]
“Actually, it’s AN education”
Why did the terrorist buy himself a new Porsche?
He was going through a midlife ISIS!!
Call me old-fashioned, but I think if a kid’s old enough to feel comfortable saying, “Christ, Dad, can’t this thing go any faster?” they should get out of the stroller and walk.
{Prison Diary Day 7}
Nobody is respecting the Swear Jar
why isn’t thunder called soundning
Me: I need help burying a body
Wife: FFS….ok…….but you’re doing the dishes tonight
Me:……kThat’s how a good marriage works people.
They must have gotten it to go.