A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking…
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Orange juice, 2 coffees, some fruit, bacon, mushrooms, potato with something sausagey & then another coffee. They were serving cake too but I didn’t have any because I’m not an animal.
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order. So line up guys, let’s get you numbered.
[Time is NOT Real Institute]
BOSS: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME {coyly}: Time is not real
BOSS: Ah, very good. That was a test. You seem like the right guy for the job…. When can you start?
ME: Right away
BOSS: …
ME: Oh shi-
You people that disappear on weekends like you have something better to do, you’re not fooling anyone, we all know you’ve doing Community Service.
I find few things more alarming than a toddler with a permanent marker in her hand.
[sitting on the deck with my son]
Me: look son, everything the light touches-
Son: yes dad?
Me: -you have to mow.
What idiot named them Minions and not Gru-pies
I bought 334 books, 23 t-shirts, 16 bumper stickers, and went to 73 seminars about getting my impulsive compulsive buying disorder under control. For once, I finally got a handle on it.
I’ve saved so much money I put a down payment on a Siberian tiger.
I’m going to need a moment here.
(more comics:
*pulled over by cop*
Cop: Did you know that your tags are expired?
*tags cop*
Me: You’re it!
Cop:
Me running away: Renewed!
[First Date]
HER: I love dogs.
ME: [Trying to impress her] Waiter, give us your finest Labrador – medium rare.
When we were dating my wife never once tried to take any of my hoodies. I have 3 teenage daughters and my hoodies are nowhere to be found.
I never saw it coming. Well played ladies.
* eats all the leftover pie I can’t fit in the fridge.
* starts “Practical Solutions” YouTube channel.
Women who say getting married was the best day of their life have obviously never had 2 Kitkats fall out of a vending machine by mistake.
[opens jar of olives and pours them in my garden]
“Now grow to be a restaurant”
Freak out your neighbors by removing one member of their stick figure decal family each night.
Yet again, autocorrect leads me ashtray.
“We don’t dry dishes, Mom, that’s air’s job” annoying kid logic that you’re secretly proud of.
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
Happy Mother’s Day
My husband is setting up a new cell phone and listening to him play every single ring and text tone is exactly what I imagine hell is like.
Grab and smash, smash and grab such is time spent in a mammogram
I could never succeed at chemistry. I Guess that’s why it’s called chemist “try”
me: [getting murdered]
murderer: [murdering]
murderer’s mom: you’re wearing that to do murder?
murderer: unbelievable
Sign in the window of one of our local bookshops!
I bumped into a cute guy today.
I clawed his face off.
I should work on my people skills.
Sure sex is great but have you ever made the right amount of rice?
They say kill ’em with kindness but it’s much quicker if you just take their phone charger away.
god I wish I was the person I believed I could be when I bought all this produce