A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking…

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One time I was trying to get a big game to run on an old computer but it didn’t have enough free memory so I compressed the hard drive, twice. That computer never worked again, in case you’re looking for an IT guy.


Whenever my wife forces me to write my own message on a bday card, I write it on top of her’s and copy exactly what she wrote.


“I’ve got cat-like T-Rexes”
Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
*Tyrannosaurus pounces on you*


You said No DMs, but you didn’t say anything about stopping by.

Anyways I’m at the door.


Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I don’t drink.
Me: Then can I just give you $7.50 to talk with me for a few minutes?


Send a guy to the grocery store without a list, and you deserve whatever you get.


Just saw a woman getting ‘running lessons’ with rubber bands & a head gear. Pffft, I could’ve taught her for free and with only a chainsaw


gonna take up jogging again, not to be healthier but to increase my chances of being murdered in the woods


When two socks puppets really care for each other, it’s not just sox, they make glove


Can someone tell me the exact crime I need to commit to get put on house arrest because legally having to cancel plans sounds incredible.