@fuzzypantaloons

A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking…

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@JustMeTurtle

One time I was trying to get a big game to run on an old computer but it didn’t have enough free memory so I compressed the hard drive, twice. That computer never worked again, in case you’re looking for an IT guy.

@salmarch79

Whenever my wife forces me to write my own message on a bday card, I write it on top of her’s and copy exactly what she wrote.

@DanMentos

“I’ve got cat-like T-Rexes”
Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
*Tyrannosaurus pounces on you*

@Wine_Honey1

You said No DMs, but you didn’t say anything about stopping by.

Anyways I’m at the door.

@theguydf

Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I don’t drink.
Me: Then can I just give you $7.50 to talk with me for a few minutes?

@kellysdf

Send a guy to the grocery store without a list, and you deserve whatever you get.

@zachreinert03

Just saw a woman getting ‘running lessons’ with rubber bands & a head gear. Pffft, I could’ve taught her for free and with only a chainsaw

@nachdermas

gonna take up jogging again, not to be healthier but to increase my chances of being murdered in the woods

@justokpanda

When two socks puppets really care for each other, it’s not just sox, they make glove

@robfee

Can someone tell me the exact crime I need to commit to get put on house arrest because legally having to cancel plans sounds incredible.