A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking.
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How do dragons blow out candles?
‘You have a PhD!’ I whisper encouragingly to myself as I creep, terrified, towards the spider [I don’t, but the spider doesn’t know this]
[overhears wife complaining about me on phone] he’s always overreacting and making a mess
*spits chocolate milk everywhere* ARE YOU SERIOUS?
The most embarrassing thing on my phone is my calculator history
ugh i did a load of laundry earlier & now i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
There’s nothing worse than being in public & you touch something that shouldn’t be sticky & it is.
I kept my married name. I don’t hate anyone enough to go to the DMV.
No matter which door you go in at the Home Depot, you’ll always exit the farthest one from your car.
Snuck a peak at my therapist’s notepad after telling her about my childhood, and it was just dollar signs.
I regret teaching my boyfriend about make up. I made a snarky comment to him and he goes “first of all, blend your contour before you come for me like that”
high school was the free trial version of college. “if you wish to continue your education you can buy the complete pack for $50,000”
I’ve never wanted to be a sci-fi actress but I do think I’d make a terrific “blonde in black glasses suddenly looks up from her computer with a WAIT…POSSIBLE GIANT MUTANT INSECT INVASION SOUNDS BAD expression”
It’s amusing when people wave back at me on hiking trails when all I’m really doing is swatting away flies.
My husband just came back from shopping all frisky and I know it’s not me, it’s Home Depot
If you’re being attacked don’t yell ”HELP” yell ”FREE CUPCAKES”
I asked my niece if she had a newspaper.
She told me newspapers are old school.
She said everyone uses tablets nowadays and handed me her iPad.
That fly never stood a chance.
waiting for the exact moment these birds fall asleep so i can scream profanities at them nonstop for a few hours
‘New year new me’ I whisper as I polish off a brick of cheese and pray that this year I’m not still lactose intolerant.
How animals would run if they were human
broke down and did it
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
“Paintings or it didn’t happen.” – 1700’s-1920
Text from my mom, after watching my sons all day:
“Did the boys show you the movie they made that’s 17 minutes long and is the most boring thing on earth?”
my dog is like me. you can call her and make all the kissy noises you want , she ain’t coming unless it’s her idea.
Honey, you know the part in The 6th Sense when she drops his wedding ring & you realize he’s been dead the whole time? Well I want a divorce
The problem with baking cinnamon rolls is that you will eat them all in one go
My laughing hysterically at Tom & Jerry cartoons is always tempered by me knowing that my wife is next to me wondering where her life went wrong.
For $49.95, I will name your dog, your cat, your turtle, or your baby. (The name will be “Dave”.)
Jurassic World: A generically modified smart 50 ft monster has turned violent and this, for some reason, took people by surprise.
Living well is the best revenge. The second best revenge is carefully removing plants from someone’s garden & replacing their lawn gnomes with slightly larger lawn gnomes so they appear to be growing in size from eating the plants.