@DearAnyone

A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking.

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@Sickayduh

Wife: Have u done anything today?

Me: Rode my bike on the back tire down the street

Wife: Wheelie?

Me: Yes, really, and cut the baby talk

@TenuredRadical

BREAKING NEWS: I have been feeling unwell the last two days – tired, headache, foggy brain. I have been concerned about COVID infection, but it was hard to imagine how: we have been so careful.

I just discovered 5 minutes ago that I HAVE BEEN MAKING DECAF COFFEE FOR 2 DAYS.

@GrantTanaka

been doing nothing but overeating and avoiding exercise since this quarantine started and for the last 10 years before that

@DannyDutch

Isn’t that the name of the guy that played Sherlock Holmes?

@iwearaonesie

coworker: What’d you get for Christmas?
me: Drunk
coworker: What did your wife get?
me: Mad

@dril

ISSUE: is the road runner wile e coyote’s son
FOR: thhey, seem to respect each other, on some level
AGAINST: one of them is a dog

@jonnysun

hmmm public speakimg clases..? well do u hav private speakimg clases? bc i hav a secret *leans in close to u* I NEVER LEARNED HOW TO WHISPER

@CodyJP9412

LAWYER: Would you like to press charges?

CHARGES: Please don’t touch me.

@ArchiePeeler

If anyone pulls a quarter from behind your ear you chloroform them and put them in chains in your basement and you’ll always have quarters.

@chrisdowning

Fact of the Day: Lyrics can be used in a court of law as evidence.

That’s how Billy Joel was acquitted of arson charges.