@DearAnyone: A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking.
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@HepatitisAtoZ: me: "youre serving Blue Curacao? so its a boy! congrats man!" friend: "for the third time, this is not a gender reveal party and please stop drinking the Windex. i think it is causing permanent damage" me: "so, have you picked any names yet?"
@thesulk: My stomach just made the sound of a 68-year-old Long Island woman seeing her granddaughter for the first time.
@pittdave13: The next time I accidentally wear a red shirt to target I’m just gonna tell everyone there is a sale on deer meat in isle six