Wife: Have u done anything today?
Me: Rode my bike on the back tire down the street
Me: Yes, really, and cut the baby talk
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking.
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BREAKING NEWS: I have been feeling unwell the last two days – tired, headache, foggy brain. I have been concerned about COVID infection, but it was hard to imagine how: we have been so careful.
I just discovered 5 minutes ago that I HAVE BEEN MAKING DECAF COFFEE FOR 2 DAYS.
been doing nothing but overeating and avoiding exercise since this quarantine started and for the last 10 years before that
Isn’t that the name of the guy that played Sherlock Holmes?
coworker: What’d you get for Christmas?
coworker: What did your wife get?
ISSUE: is the road runner wile e coyote’s son
FOR: thhey, seem to respect each other, on some level
AGAINST: one of them is a dog
hmmm public speakimg clases..? well do u hav private speakimg clases? bc i hav a secret *leans in close to u* I NEVER LEARNED HOW TO WHISPER
LAWYER: Would you like to press charges?
CHARGES: Please don’t touch me.
If anyone pulls a quarter from behind your ear you chloroform them and put them in chains in your basement and you’ll always have quarters.
Fact of the Day: Lyrics can be used in a court of law as evidence.
That’s how Billy Joel was acquitted of arson charges.