A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking.
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My Dad is walking around with a shirt with rows of corn on it, telling everyone it’s a crop top.
I’m doing Bikram yoga today.
By that I mean I’m in the back seat of a hot car trying to contort myself enough to reach the ignition.
if you’re a shakespeare character your chances of getting mauled by a bear while a clown watches are low but never zero
Today I gave my son some chips from England. He put one in his mouth, made a face, and asked what flavour it was. ‘Roast Beef’ I replied. He promptly spat it out and asked “why would they do that?” Buddy, we’ve been asking Britain that question for 500 years.
Put a ring on it
Not trying to brag but my son’s teacher wants his artwork to be looked at by a psychologist
Here’s how I get my kids to wash the floor: I give them a cup of water without a lid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
A tired woman is a mean woman.
Don’t wake her up from a sound sleep because you can’t find the ketchup.
I just don’t understand how moats ever went out of style.
You’re either you’re frolicking in this meadow with me, or you’re frolicking in this meadow against me.
Son: “Mom, Dad we need to talk…. I’m a vegan”
**Mom cries running out the room
Dad: Why can’t you just have a normal eating disorder?
They’re on their honeymoon
I told my wife that if she has any problems she can talk to me like she talks to her girlfriends so we’re discussing why I’m such a idiot.
Had a joint with my mate and she said “mad how the brain named itself” and I’ve fully had to come home and go to bed
[Wedding night]
Me: Finally! I’ve waited SO long for this
New Father in Law: You’re in the wrong room
Me: Am I? *winks forever*
Welcome to your 40’s. You’ll be mad if a neighbor doesn’t mow their lawn.
I don’t have a swimmer’s body. I have more of a drowning to death body. #Olympics
Badminton implies the existence of Goodminton and Alrightminton.
My good tweets are in my other pants.
Aquarium managers: This is now a completely smoke-free facility.
Puffer fish: Dammit.
Got super excited about a 200 meter butterfly till someone explained it to me.
Saying “I’m having a heavy period day”
– boring
– depressingSaying “bro my flow is crazy”
– dope
– could be a rapper
When my wife says “oh hi it’s nice to meet you” to my coworkers it’s code for I know all the jerk things you’ve done
CLERK: That’ll be 95 cents.
ME: Here’s a dollar.
CLERK: Nickel back?
ME: God, no.
Woke last night to the sound of thunder, that last bean burrito was a blunder 🎶
My daughter told us that she learned the life cycle of a frog, and when asked to recite it, she said, “eggs, tadpole, frog, prince, ex-husband.”
The voices in my head have been quiet for a while. They probably broke something.
Cheat on me, you can’t even have cold water. A legend.
[Element Support Group]
Fire: I’ve been having a hard time controlling my temper
Water: I’ve been welling up a bit more often too
Earth: I think we all just need to feel more grounded
Wind: Man you guys whine a lot
Surprise: Well I didn’t see that coming
it was 1997 i was outside McDonald’s on Queen St age 15, an old lady barked “speak English” at a pair of young Korean men and without missing a beat one of them goes “OOooo i want a nice cup of TEA look at ME I’m ENGLISH i want to eat PLAIN TOAST” i miss him every single day