A good way to get people to stop showing you baby pictures is after each one say, “Can I keep this?”
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If you wanna be my lover
– I’m listening
You gotta get with my friends
– ….I’m listening
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
I knew my gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
Before you storm out of a room, make sure you take your phone.
#Caturday
Her: so you’re a teacher? What do you teach?
Me *nervous*: children
That depressing moment when you pull up to work and the building is not engulfed in flames.
Girlfriend: I think we should spend some time apart from each other.
Me: Hiatus?
Girlfriend: I hate us too.
[Interview]
Me: Oh! The time I ate 1/2 a giant birthday cookie cake between the store & home!
Boss: I meant impressive JOB accomplishment.
*throws nickel at grandpa*
I need more magic ear money.
RT if you know someone like this!!!
Never turn your back while kids are in the bath.
Drown shmown!
Those punks are gonna dump a whole bottle of shampoo in for mega bubble bath
Die Hard led me to believe I’d experience more machine guns and high body count on Christmas Eve.
Nothing is guaranteed to be less funny than when an NPR host says, “You know, it’s funny…”
establish dominance over your significant other by addressing birthday and valentine’s day cards as ‘to whom it may concern’
me: umm did you tell your teacher that means pretend karate moves?
6: no
me:
She left me because I am insecure.
No wait, she’s back.
She just went to get a glass of water.
Doctor: tell me everything you told the nurse 5 minutes ago.
me: i think i got bit by a daddy long leg
her: your legs do look longer
me: oh no
her: i’m joking
me: hi joking i’m—OH NO
*conducting job interview* And what would you say your biggest weakness is? Other than that haircut.
Even if you are fully vaccinated, you should not lick the escalator rails…
[first time skydiving]
me: oh no my charcuterie board
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
My elderly uncle was proudly showing off his new “Screechers”, and my dudes, this is what I will call Skechers from now on
Waiter: You need to let this wine breathe for a moment.
WIne Mom🍷: *grabs waiter by the skinny tie* I STRAIGHT UP PLAN TO GIVE IT MOUTH TO MOUTH, CRAIG
A walk in the woods helps me relax and release tension.
The fact that I’m dragging a body behind me should be irrelevant
Therapist: Participate in a hobby your partner enjoys.
Me: Like sitting on paper bags?
Therapist: No, not your cat. A human partner.
Me: Oh.
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You can let me hold your baby I won’t drop it. If you think I’m the kind of person who would drop a baby you’re flat wrong. And if you’re the sort of person who believes unsubstantiated rumors about me dropping babies, well I just feel sorry for you.
neighbor: did you steal my trampoline
are robert
me:
accusations harmful