Silly me thought that doggy poop bags were designed to open
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A mom at my son’s baseball game was drinking beer in the stands and what kind of message is she sending to all these young impressionable kids by openly enjoying an adult beverage and not sharing with all the adults sitting by her
I don’t understand why salads are seen as “dainty” food. I look more like a wild animal eating salad than literally anything else.
Sex therapist: Try swapping positions tonight
Me: ok[Later]
Her: Wanna have sex?
Me: No thanks
Guy about to invent balloons:
I wish there was a CHILDREN’S toy ON a strangulation hazard that could EXPLODE and then become ANOTHER strangulation hazard!!
Assistant: Bro…things ok at home?
“I’m so tired of being poor and unemployed,” says the TV show character who wears a new designer outfit in every scene
An enterprising neighborhood kid started a business to fill in all those grownup coloring books for us. I feel more relaxed already.
Clueless is my favorite movie about how rich people have real hard problems too
Who else does this 🤦🏽😂
Sorry I haven’t returned your text in 3 days, I was taking a nap.
What idiot called it “being a werewolf” and not “having a beast infection?”
I put an energy drink in my hummingbird feeder, now all my hummingbirds are going back in time and returning with tiny top hats.
I need a pet that is quiet, obedient and doesn’t jump on the furniture.
I think I need a hard boiled egg.
INTERVIEWER: *putting down phone* Your Twitter account says you’ve had 148 jobs.
If a sister is a nun then a brother is a bun this makes zero sense aaand send
If you say safety in Numbers you haven’t read Numbers.
Goth karate is easy because you already start off with a black belt.
If your Tetris high score doesn’t excite me, you’re not loading my dishwasher
Can’t believe New Zealand are introducing a new flag just as I finished memorising the old one.
“What are we doing here, Marcy?”
“Seeing how I’d look with bangs.”
Chocolate cheesecake so good you forget that your wife told you not to eat it.
My daughter asked me what a colonoscopy was so I gave her an honest answer. She learned about colonoscopies and I learned I need to be less honest.
Saw a bumper sticker that said ‘Jesus is the answer.’ Two cars later I saw one that said ‘Who farted?’ Best game of Highway Jeopardy ever.
Justin Bieber was “Baptized” last night….
Or as the church likes to call it… “A failed attempt to drown Bieber”
Playing chicken with the confidence that you cannot lose 😁
Losing 😲
‘Siri, am I an alcoholic?’, I whisper into my burrito.
[god creating the beetle]
what if a bee and a turtle had sex
“But I can’t conquer China, it’s way too big…”
Now Genghis, what do I always say?
*Sighs*
“I’m Genghis Khan, not Genghis Khan’t”
*my daughter sees multiple baskets of laundry by the washer, sighs and sets her basket down in front*
Me: All laundry will be washed in the order it is received. Thank you for holding.
Me: You a good personal trainer?
Him: You bet your emotionally distant dad I am.
Me: [through tears] Wow, that’s personal. You’re hired.
I doubt my humanity the most when I’m trying to read those wavy, twisty scripts that are meant to verify you’re human.