@dumbbeezie

A good way to keep a secret from me is to leave it on my voicemail

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@thenatewolf

*Friend is sinking in quicksand*

Get help before I drown!

*I start to run, stop, jog back to friend*

Technically you’re not drow-

NATE!

@KeetPotato

me: “i have designed the world’s first electric car specifically for owls”
reporter: “owls? is it popular?”
me: “it’s turning heads”

@WeAreGirICodes

*gets hit by a car*

Driver: “ARE YOU OKAY?”

Me: “Please… I need my… phone”

*opens twitter*

Me: “LMAOOO YALL GUESS WHAT”

@OmarNajam

My son 🙋🏽‍♂️was SO cute today, he asked me “dad are clouds candy?” 😍 I told him they were water. 💦 Then he asked “dad, what’s Earth’s defense system?” and then I remembered I don’t have a son and he asked again his eyes now obsidian black “what is the defense system father”

@FatherWithTwins

By the time my 5yo is done with his dinner, it’ll be time to start applying to colleges.

@TheBoydP

Thanksgiving fact: Giblets are just Grandma speak for the gross stuff.

@KKBowls

My psychiatrist told me I need to love myself more. I was like, “damn doc I’m already up to 3 times a day”

@AdderallMomma

Kanye West agreed to play Santa Claus under the condition that children had to ask him what he wanted for Christmas.

@UnFitz

I may mix up my idioms but I know one thing: You can’t throw a book by its cover.

@Bunnydurden

I wish mirrors and cameras would get together and figure out what I really look like.