A good way to keep a secret from me is to leave it on my voicemail

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*Friend is sinking in quicksand*

Get help before I drown!

*I start to run, stop, jog back to friend*

Technically you’re not drow-



me: “i have designed the world’s first electric car specifically for owls”
reporter: “owls? is it popular?”
me: “it’s turning heads”


*gets hit by a car*

Driver: “ARE YOU OKAY?”

Me: “Please… I need my… phone”

*opens twitter*



My son 🙋🏽‍♂️was SO cute today, he asked me “dad are clouds candy?” 😍 I told him they were water. 💦 Then he asked “dad, what’s Earth’s defense system?” and then I remembered I don’t have a son and he asked again his eyes now obsidian black “what is the defense system father”


By the time my 5yo is done with his dinner, it’ll be time to start applying to colleges.


Thanksgiving fact: Giblets are just Grandma speak for the gross stuff.


My psychiatrist told me I need to love myself more. I was like, “damn doc I’m already up to 3 times a day”


Kanye West agreed to play Santa Claus under the condition that children had to ask him what he wanted for Christmas.


I may mix up my idioms but I know one thing: You can’t throw a book by its cover.


I wish mirrors and cameras would get together and figure out what I really look like.