I’m like Helen of Troy. Not in the sense of being breathtakingly beautiful, but in the sense of pissing people off and starting wars
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Airbud was on a human basketball team. I want to see a human running as a dog on a sled dog team.
Accidentally used the dog’s shampoo today, and I’m feeling like such a good girl.
👾👾👾
When I texted my dad I wanted to be a barrister he was so proud.
Years later I achieved my dream, and as I make him an Mini Java Chip Frappuccino it turns out I can’t spell and he isn’t proud.
“Only a good guy with a forest fire can prevent forest fires” – Smokey the NRA Bear
My dad went from “no man is good enough for my little girl” to “would you just pick one already? Jobs aren’t even that important” real quick
My 9 yo talked us into buying him a tracksuit this year. He looks like he’s well on his way to coaching an Olympic skier or arguing over the price of grapes at the supermarket
Me (doing an unboxing video for a repressed memory): wow guys this is a GREAT haul
My therapist: no
My lawn care company sent me an email saying, “We like to feed it before we seed it,” and I was like damn, they stole my game.
Surviving Wednesday, then remembering the rest of the week still exists
Dude, I’d love to go out with you, but this one person 80s dance party in my living room isn’t going to host itself.
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
Who called it your monthly period and not egg drop soup?
Remember that it’s “i before e” …
Except when feigning a heist on a
weird, feisty, beige foreign neighbor.
I like to take a store-bought cake to a potluck and joke that I made it myself. As if people could actually make their own cakes!
M: a Bloody Mary with no celery, olives or tomato juice, but add extra bacon
Waiter:
H: She wants a plate of bacon and a shot of vodka.
“I want to feel like chewbaca, but only from the shins down.”
-women wearing uggs
In an effort to keep the employees motivated and increase morale, my boss has asked me to stop talking to everyone.
Nothing says “I’ve been going through your shit” like “why do you delete your browser history?”
Wow, it’s a shame that I’ve already accepted another job.
You get what you get and you don’t get upset. Unless you’re me, and then it’s the crying and the wailing and the walking with chains dragging at all hours.
There’s a jar of candy on my kitchen counter and I only ate 32 pieces.
Shower me with praise for my ironclad willpower.
the food pyramid is a conspiracy by big triangle to sell more triangles
[sees a guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
Me: dude that thing’s for bears
Child: Do you have any cool side effects from your vaccine shot?
Me: No super powers, but I do look more handsome today.
Child: So, it’s affected your vision?
[two women sunbathing in garden]
“It’s so nice out here”
“Where’s that creepy guy who lives next door?”
HEDGE “He’s away for the weekend”
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
As the horse fell to the barn floor,
he quickly pressed his Life Alert …“Help…I’ve fallen and I can’t giddyup !”
Once a marine, always a marine. Even if you’re now working at Subway. You’re a submarine.