A good way to know if your girlfriend is a lizard is if she eats a bunch of crickets or small birds

You Might Also Like


Guy stole my bike so I got in a cab & said follow that guy! He said sure, whats his twitter name? We laughed & hi-fived & I need a new bike.


i’m getting my wisdom teeth taken out on monday. i know most people get this procedure done when they’re like 16 but i think the move is waiting to do it when you’re 25 and depressed cause then you can appreciate the drugs a lot more


*reading law book* oh no I think I’m in a common law marriage with Taco Bell


Dr: So, how did you dislocate your shoulder?

Me: I panicked when the blood pressure machine at the store got tigh- I mean football..


A co-worker is retiring, so they’re passing a card around filled with cash. I only took $10 but normally my signature is worth much more.


Him: I’m sorry, can we start over?

Me: great idea! You introduce yourself, and this time I’ll keep walking.


the gym I’ve been going to isn’t helping me lose weight at all, damn you Pizza Hut Gym


The lights are dimmed. Sexy music plays. She runs her fingers across my scar.

“I got that when I fell off the toilet,” I whisper.


It may be autocorrect, but I’m excited to see how this plays out when I drive my friend to pickup her satan wedding dress.


God: The bones will fall out of their mouths as children to teach them that bodies are full of betrayal

Angel: So, new diet not going well?