A good way to know if your girlfriend is a lizard is if she eats a bunch of crickets or small birds

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Jury duty

[Burps] Wow, excuse me.
Judge: You’re excu-STOP THAT!


“The 59th rule of Fight Club is, we cant park in the lot on Vermont anymore – The owner is being a jerk. Just find street parking. 60th…”


Sometimes I want to kidnap a few woman for two to three weeks so that their eyebrows can grow without fear


I got kicked out of the zoo for feeding the ducks … to the alligators…

All I wanted was to complete the circle of life.


Walked by a restaurant where they were using iPads for menus. How cheap are iPads now? More importantly, how expensive are menus?


Friend: Can I borrow a pen?
Me: Sure!
*looks in purse*
*pulls out perfume, 17 Hershey kisses, a stapler & a baby goat*
Me: Sorry, no pen. 🙁


Decided not to waste $300 on obedience training after watching my dog bark at a shovel on the patio for 10 minutes.


Neighbours kids just challenged me to a water fight.

I’m just tweeting while I wait for the kettle to boil.


Other people are gettin these amber alerts, right? Like, it’s not up to me to find these kids?


Bae: Come over

Me: Do you have food??

Bae: My parents aren’t home

Me: Are they coming back with food??