@weinerdog4life

A good way to know if your girlfriend is a lizard is if she eats a bunch of crickets or small birds

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@aveuaskew

Jury duty

[Burps] Wow, excuse me.
Judge: You’re excu-STOP THAT!

@lecalabara

“The 59th rule of Fight Club is, we cant park in the lot on Vermont anymore – The owner is being a jerk. Just find street parking. 60th…”

@junejuly12

Sometimes I want to kidnap a few woman for two to three weeks so that their eyebrows can grow without fear

@iGreenMonk

I got kicked out of the zoo for feeding the ducks … to the alligators…

All I wanted was to complete the circle of life.

@joshgondelman

Walked by a restaurant where they were using iPads for menus. How cheap are iPads now? More importantly, how expensive are menus?

@_Ms_Moneypenny_

Friend: Can I borrow a pen?
Me: Sure!
*looks in purse*
*pulls out perfume, 17 Hershey kisses, a stapler & a baby goat*
Me: Sorry, no pen. 🙁

@KentWGraham

Decided not to waste $300 on obedience training after watching my dog bark at a shovel on the patio for 10 minutes.

@EllenPallas

Neighbours kids just challenged me to a water fight.

I’m just tweeting while I wait for the kettle to boil.

@AndySandford

Other people are gettin these amber alerts, right? Like, it’s not up to me to find these kids?

@tedtheboi

Bae: Come over

Me: Do you have food??

Bae: My parents aren’t home

Me: Are they coming back with food??