A good way to know if your girlfriend is a lizard is if she eats a bunch of crickets or small birds
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*wakes up in the belly of a whale*
me: this can’t be happening again
morgan freeman: but it was, he was in the belly of a whale again
I can never eat just one Christmas ornament
I threw out a jar of expired protein powder and some jacked up raccoons beat the shit out of me a week later.
“Hi, my daughter will be late to school because she can zip up her jacket by herself.”
Her: You’re so possessive.
Apostrophe: Only sometimes, Brenda.
I love babies cause they just cry upon waking up and it’s so honest
Me: I don’t want to dwell on that.
My brain: OK, let’s put a pin in it and circle back later. Is 3 a.m. good for you?
[company all-hands Zoom call]
CEO: The future is ahead of us!
Me [unmuting]: Um. Yeah. That’s how time works.
Sometimes people just need you to be genuine with them, and I personally have no problem pretending to do that.
Gollum is like, “actually this is my emotional support precious.”
we planned to renew our vows but my wife got cold feet so we are just regular married still
My 8yr old’s home from school and that means I’ll be yelled at for the next two days for accidentally breathing while she’s trying to record videos.
Chicks love guys with tattoos cuz it means they’re willing to commit to something stupid for the rest of their lives…
Director: one of you actors tampered with my DNA last night!
Tom Cruise: not me, I went cruising
Elizabeth Banks: I was at the bank.
Gene Hackman: *drops test tube in surprise*
SON: do you HAVE to walk around in just underwear?
DAD: I will if I want. now get me a beer
SON: what aisle?
DAD: do I LOOK like I work here?
Your car took up two spaces, I tried to move it over with my key.
Caught the neighbor kid teasing my dog, so his mom told me to yell at him any time I like.
I had a bad day, I’m gonna go see if he’s home.
finally
I really admire my daughter’s restraint. When we were reunited after a week apart she waited 5 whole minutes before asking what I brought her
” I made my famous dip for the office party”
You’re a regular Abe Lincoln.
“But he wasn’t a chef”
Exactly
*watching tv
Me: “Don’t just stand there, idiot! Run! Escape while there’s still time! God, I can’t watch”
Wife: (turns off wedding video)
Hangman is a lovely childhood game where you slowly draw a man killing himself if another kid can’t read your mind.
The person with duct tape holding most of their car together always has the right-of-way.
My 3 year old wants 3 cookies because he’s 3. So I’m having 36.
Friday the 13th is still better than Monday the 16th.
COP: what do you think made Gordon Ramsay assault you?
ME: well, he said he was going to show me how to make a three bean chili and when i said a chili should have like, at least thirty beans in it, that’s when he threw the spatula at me
*gloating* I just broke the internet
Narrator: He dropped the WiFi router.
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
Me: My neck is a little stiff
Web MD: You’re in rigor mortis