@rolldiggity

A good way to make a car dealer uncomfortable is to say, “Tell me if you can hear this,” and then get in the trunk and start screaming.

You Might Also Like

@sucittaM

Just called the fire department to tell them that dogs pee on fire hydrants so they should probably all wash their hands.

@KeetPotato

[babies txting]
“my dad’s thumb just came off”
wtf
“woah wait its back on again”
no way
“great he’s stole my nose now”
im phoning the police

@ericsshadow

ME: come here honey

HER: [yelling from the kitchen] i’m busy

ME: do you need anything from Amazon?

HER: [0.1 seconds later] i have a list

@Boobzillaz

Where does the Easter Bunny lay his eggs?!

In the grass..

So WHAT DO WE SMOKE TO CELEBRATE?!

[all the children]

Grass??

Yessssss.

@House_Feminist

Me: this is my favorite place to do cartwheels but you have to watch out for the rocks
Date: those are headstones

@Abusitron

*runs in out of breath*
Friend: what’s going on?
Me: [heavy breathing] bear with me
Friend: Ok *waits*
*bear runs in, also out of breath*

@duplicitron

Someone left a really nice couch out on the street so I went home and got a lamp and TV and this is where I live now.

@Cryptic1iam

People say, “All the good ones are taken.”
Which is absolutely true.
I’m single.

@PetrickSara

“You can eat 50% of a mermaid before you’re considered a cannibal.”

My kid, using homeschool math during social distancing

@Cpin42

Please stop inviting me to exotic islands and hunting me for sport. It’s mean and it hurts my feelings