A good way to make a car dealer uncomfortable is to say, “Tell me if you can hear this,” and then get in the trunk and start screaming.

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It’s extremely difficult to search my tweets when I constantcessantly make up nonsensicalistic words and greatastic werges.


If you factor in “supply and demand”… she DOES NOT want the D.
There is so much D trying to go around, not even the alphabet wants the D.


I won’t block you, but I will put a curse on you that you’ll never be able to finish a sneeze ever again for the rest of your life.


Son: Dad, I’m gay. Do you still love me?
Me: Ask your mother


I bet there are at least a few seconds when a tiger is chasing you where you look back and are like, “awwww…”




My son said he’d do something in a minute.

So far it’s been 185 days, 16 hours & 11 minutes but who’s counting.



ME: I’m meeting my blind date here.
HOSTESS: Do you have reservations?
ME: Yes, but my friend tells me she’s very nice.


I hate when I go to unbutton my pants because they’re too tight and they’re already unbuttoned.