Just called the fire department to tell them that dogs pee on fire hydrants so they should probably all wash their hands.
A good way to make a car dealer uncomfortable is to say, “Tell me if you can hear this,” and then get in the trunk and start screaming.
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“my dad’s thumb just came off”
“woah wait its back on again”
“great he’s stole my nose now”
im phoning the police
ME: come here honey
HER: [yelling from the kitchen] i’m busy
ME: do you need anything from Amazon?
HER: [0.1 seconds later] i have a list
Where does the Easter Bunny lay his eggs?!
In the grass..
So WHAT DO WE SMOKE TO CELEBRATE?!
[all the children]
Me: this is my favorite place to do cartwheels but you have to watch out for the rocks
Date: those are headstones
*runs in out of breath*
Friend: what’s going on?
Me: [heavy breathing] bear with me
Friend: Ok *waits*
*bear runs in, also out of breath*
Someone left a really nice couch out on the street so I went home and got a lamp and TV and this is where I live now.
People say, “All the good ones are taken.”
Which is absolutely true.
“You can eat 50% of a mermaid before you’re considered a cannibal.”
My kid, using homeschool math during social distancing
Please stop inviting me to exotic islands and hunting me for sport. It’s mean and it hurts my feelings