A good way to make a car dealer uncomfortable is to say, “Tell me if you can hear this,” and then get in the trunk and start screaming.

You Might Also Like


Just called the fire department to tell them that dogs pee on fire hydrants so they should probably all wash their hands.


[babies txting]
“my dad’s thumb just came off”
“woah wait its back on again”
no way
“great he’s stole my nose now”
im phoning the police


ME: come here honey

HER: [yelling from the kitchen] i’m busy

ME: do you need anything from Amazon?

HER: [0.1 seconds later] i have a list


Where does the Easter Bunny lay his eggs?!

In the grass..


[all the children]




Me: this is my favorite place to do cartwheels but you have to watch out for the rocks
Date: those are headstones


*runs in out of breath*
Friend: what’s going on?
Me: [heavy breathing] bear with me
Friend: Ok *waits*
*bear runs in, also out of breath*


Someone left a really nice couch out on the street so I went home and got a lamp and TV and this is where I live now.


People say, “All the good ones are taken.”
Which is absolutely true.
I’m single.


“You can eat 50% of a mermaid before you’re considered a cannibal.”

My kid, using homeschool math during social distancing


Please stop inviting me to exotic islands and hunting me for sport. It’s mean and it hurts my feelings