EARTH: Let’s just be friends
MOON: Ok I understand [circles the earth for 4 billion years]
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5: [bending his own finger backward] THIS HURTS & I DON’T KNOW HOW TO MAKE IT STOP!
Me: [sighs & closes his college savings account]
Getting marriage advice from a priest is like taking your lawn mower to Burger King to get repaired.
Yet the one time I did, I got banned
good morning to everyone but especially the cat who stuck her entire paw in my cup of coffee
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
Me: The company moved.
I: Where?
M: They didn’t tell me.
[3am]
me: *sleeping*
brain: omg you’re late for work!
me: oh shit *jumps out of bed*
brain: lmao you’re so gullible
No YOU are a drama queen said the fainting goat to the opossum.
My 7yo son is running away because I made him write a few sentences. I guess I shouldn’t expect any letters from the road.
STOP talking shit about F•R•I•E•N•D•S
Rachel is KIND
Monica is NURTURING
Joey is CONSIDERATE
Phoebe is TALENTED
Ross
Chandler is FUNNY
I’m either going to get a tattoo today or do something real crazy like clean my closet.
Me: “I poop when I’m nervous.”
Doctor: “How often does this occur?”
Me: “I’m extremely nervous right now.”
Since instagram is down I’m not sure if there was a sunrise today or if anyone ate any food? I feel lost.
After 2020 I’m never going to question why they keep opening up Jurassic Park despite obvious safety issues.
telling people you’re single:
• “you’ll find someone”
• “have you tried tinder”saying “many have tried to date me and all have failed”:
• mystical
• empowering
• sword-in-the-stone vibes
Slowly crawl towards your sleeping dog, put your face directly next to its face, and whisper “I know it’s been you shitting in my yard.”
I don’t know who put chairs in the elevator, but that’s a kind of laziness that I can respect.
Me: I’ve found a needle in the haystack! Only took 3 hours.
Her: no this is a 3/4 inch, I need a 5/8’s.
Me: *begins searching again* you really need a better place to store these.
I love Kit Kats the most whenever there aren’t three other people around.
It’s really disturbing how that bear family in those Charmin commercials are so open with each other about shitting.
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you go to introduce him to your friends & it turns out that he’s “afraid of bats.”
Ways to win my heart:
1) Be cute
2) Be kind
3) Be cheesecake
to a guy who shits on people’s lawns, everything looks like a lawn
INTERVIEWER: And why under skills did you put “has dominion over bees”?
ME: [covered in bee stings] You can cross that one off
Detective: one of you is the murderer
The actual murderer: *remains calm*
Me, innocent: *starts sweating, heart rate goes through roof, displays every sign of guilt it is possible to display*
Before you try to convince me that people aren’t really all that dumb let me point out that TikTok has a “no filter” filter
My parents and teachers said I could be anything I wanted but I’m 28 now and I’m still not a hot Asian girl named Bang Bang 🙁
Back from my bike ride and I feel fit as a fiddle … the fiddle, ya know, that most athletic of instruments…
Used to work in an office where the boss gave a hard brain teaser to the staff in the morning & if anyone could figure it out by the afternoon he’d pay for their lunch. I won most days. Because as the IT guy I had access to his company cloud account where he stored the answers.
Me: Do I get naked now or at the end? I’ve never done this before and I’m really nervous.
Priest: For the love of god, just kiss the bride.
If the virus can keep becoming a new version of itself so can you.