A good way to make friends is to crawl under the bathroom stall quickly before they can get away
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caveman: I’ve invented the wheel!
hamster: finally!!!
Person: I’m a spelling bee champion.
Me: Bee isn’t that hard to spell.
International Dairy Council: Nobody saw this coming. We don’t know if our markets can recover from this but the only thing we can do now is pray.
[meanwhile, at Olive Garden]
Server: Sir, please
Me: I didn’t say when yet
If anyone needs help communicating with their teen daughter,
I am officially fluent in sigh.
each morning I put one uncooked ravioli in a thermos. i pour hot water over it, steeping it like tea, and then i drink it all day at work (i work at the white house) and at the end of the day, as i take the last sip of the tea, the soft ravioli slides into my mouth, and i eat it
Apparently introducing your puppet as your lover to people is frowned upon.
Catch feelings? I’d rather catch multiple bricks to the face. A house. Drop a house on me.
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 living in the year 2021looking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
*Skynet becomes self aware*
*Starts a blog*
I’m not surprised I woke up with a mannequin after too much to drink. I am surprised though that I used a condom
My daughter said my stomach looks like sad oatmeal and now she’s signed up for summer school
Waiter: Is something wrong with your fish?
Me: I ordered it battered
Waiter: Terribly sorry *punches fish*
Me: Thanks
Unappreciated diet tip: If you want to lose a significant amount of weight, it’s important to start out really fat.
You can’t spell fries without friends. I guess what I’m saying is that fries are friends. Delicious friends.
if god really loved all the people of the world why do our heads weigh so much.
Me: YOU CAN DO IT SON!
Son: Why are you being so encouraging? Are you drunk?
Me: Yep. So pass your driving test or we’re walking home.
*stranded on island*
*puts message in bottle and throws it into sea*
*years later gets message back*
what’s updog?
*fist pump*
My toddler gets pretty impatient with me for someone who takes 45 minutes to eat an egg.
Teacher: Your daughter is doing so well at school we’d like to move her forward a year.
Me: *whispering* oh my god they invented time travel.
Listen, all I’m saying is that fish either don’t bathe at all or they constantly bathe. It can’t be both.
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
For $100 I will FaceTime you in scrubs on Thanksgiving and pretend to be your boyfriend that couldn’t make it because he had to work in the hospital
Sometimes I feel doomed in dating, but then a random internet man with a profile pic of Deadpool writes “that’s cause u havent been with me yet ;)” and I am filled with joy and hope
Sunday
“We have an idea for a video game. Picture a big gorilla on top of some metal framing hurling barrels at a plumber.”
That could not make any less sense. What’s the gorillas first name
“Donkey”
Doctor: Step on the scale.
Me, 1st pregnancy: With or without my shoes?
Me, 2nd pregnancy: With or without the jacket?
Me, 3rd pregnancy: With or without the rotisserie chicken?
Passer-by: hey buddy, do you have change for the phonebox?
Clark Kent: why would I change in a phonebox?
P: I didnt-
CK: I’m not Superman
As a young girl she played the game Operation and dreamed about the day she could illegally harvest vital organs in real life.
My boss was all, “Do you know why I called you to the office, ” and I was like, “I dunno is there a hidden security camera in the bathroom.”
You look like the kind of girl who would break my heart.
I have a boyfriend.
See, you’re done it already.
*moves heaven & earth for her*
*moves more left
*more left
*little right
*little more right
*moves heaven & earth back to original spot*