A good way to make friends is to crawl under the bathroom stall quickly before they can get away

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If Mitt Romney was president, we’d blame everything on him. “Damn why is it so cold outside? It wasn’t this cold when Obama was president.”


One thing you can count on: For every idiot proof system devised, a new and improved idiot will arise to overcome it.


If you’re a pilot with a man bun, I’m calling you Top Bun, and you can’t stop me.


her: i like a guy who takes his time

me (seductively): i wore diapers until 5th grade


me: alright, i admit it, i’ve never had sex! turn off the lie detector!

doctor: *removing blood pressure cuff* none of that is what’s happening here


Please keep my 6 year old in your prayers, his sister is copying him.


*me carrying in all of the groceries

Wife: I feel bad, I don’t have anything
Me: You always have me
Wife: See what I’m saying


More “kills” on Tinder than any man in the history of online dating, Bradley Cooper is…. American Swiper.


On phone:

GF: We’re breaking up…
Me: I can hear you fine!
GF: It’s not you, it’s me…
Me: Did you get a new provider?
GF: Kinda… Bye!


Parenting Tip: If your kid gets peanut butter in their hair, rub gum in it to get it out