A good way to meet all of your neighbors at once is to take the trash out, in your pajamas.
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*feels comfortable*
comfortable: *slaps hand away*
I AM dressing for the job I want (I want to be a sweatpants model)
What’s it called when you wake up and have to delete 73% of your tweets from last night. Alcohol, it’s called alcohol.
When life gives you lemons. Squeeze them in people’s eyes.
My GF found lipstick in my pocket, I admitted I’m cheating… I don’t want her to know I’m selling AVON.. I want to eat my money in peace
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Dada!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Papa!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Great Uncle Bartholomew.
Me: This is bullshit.
Baby: This is bullshit.
“You need to chill out, you’ve yelled at everything that isn’t a snack.”
–my 10 year old
How can I get invited to one of these knife fights everyone keeps talking about? Can we do it over zoom
A librarian with a sense of humour…
#Oscars
[first date]
her: so, tell me about yourself!
me: well, im not good with dates
her: but you’re doing fine!
me: christmas is on september 3rd
[at Goodwill store]
*buys pants that I gave them 6 months ago*
Annoys me when I’m typing my reply and someone starts typing like you see those 3 bubbles and I’m just like no excuse me wait your turn thanks
i hate it when Darth Vader puts eggs in my mailbox and then rides away on a kids tricycle
[camping]
“Dad I’m afraid a raccoon is gonna come in my tent and eat me”
-don’t be silly. It’ll probably be a bear. Sleep tight.
I hate when people text me: “Call me.”
I’m gonna start calling people and when they answer, I’m gonna say: “Text me” And then hang up.
all i’m saying is that i probably would have used a different font here.
I’d like to visit the Grand Canyon again, but this time – there’s no way I’m going down on a donkey
A coward dies a thousand deaths, a soldier dies but one. That’s why I look up to cowards, enduring so many deaths makes you strong.
me: I forgot my line
movie director: I really regret bringing you on this fishing trip
My favorite part of the date is when I tell her that I want her to have my kids. And then I give them to her, all 3 of them.
DOCTOR: congratulations it’s a baby-
ME: giraffe?
DOCTOR: what? No. It’s a boy. A human boy.
ME: *looks at wife* you lied to me
I’m returning this head of lettuce. It tastes awful.
“Sir, that’s a loofah.”
Oh. I’m returning this loofah. Someone took a bite out of it.
Saw my wife watching the Food Network while I was making dinner, so I was like, “You can just watch me in the kitchen, no commercials!”
Friend: Take my advice, girls love guys with pets
*later*
Me:*holding a snake to date’s face* his name -stop screaming- his name is Carl.
The hand doctor told me that I can no longer cook, clean, or vacuum.
Which would be amazing news if I actually did any of those things.
maybe ancient civilizations wouldn’t have died out if they’d built regular buildings instead of these dumb ruins
Date: “I’m falling in love with you”
Me: *rearranges french fries in plate to read, “we should see other people”
the first cicada of the season just walked itself right into my fire pit. 13 years under ground looked at the world and said nope
Girls are shit with birthday gifts you’ll hint for a Rolex all year & she’ll turn up with a jar that’s filled with 22 things she loves about you lol