@kimlockhartga

A good way to meet all of your neighbors at once is to take the trash out, in your pajamas.

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@VisionBored1

Son: Can I have some?

Me, mouth full of cheesecake: It’s really spicy you won’t like it.

@Demented_Jokes

Post natal depression is a serious condition. I’m 38 years old and my mum still bursts into tears every time she sees me.

@dlockw21

Name dog. Call dog every derivative of that name but the actual name.

@TweetPotato314

[Road trip]

me: *pops in disc* don’t talk while this is on

kids: it’s just a blank CD

me: SHHH

@shkeeber

I can’t diet because it would devastate the local fast food economy, and frankly, I just don’t think I could live with that kind of guilt.

@TheRolo

[Dollar Store Interview]
“What are your qualifications?”

[Slides over a dollar]
“Cashier job is yours”

[Slides $2]
“Welcome to Management”

@WeeMissBea

My fridge just screamed “OH JESUS, WHAT NOW?” at me as I opened its door.

@DanaSchwartzzz

BELLE: There goes the baker with his tray like always
BAKER: well there goes Belle, singing her DAILY MEAN SONG about us

@HysteriaBarbie

Relationship status: DON’T TELL ME TO CALM DOWN, YOU CALLED A STORMTROOPER A ROBOT

@DropsNoPanties

Can’t. The ex-girlfriend is making me take her to the movies.

Wife: I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME THAT!