Son: Can I have some?
Me, mouth full of cheesecake: It’s really spicy you won’t like it.
A good way to meet all of your neighbors at once is to take the trash out, in your pajamas.
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Post natal depression is a serious condition. I’m 38 years old and my mum still bursts into tears every time she sees me.
Name dog. Call dog every derivative of that name but the actual name.
me: *pops in disc* don’t talk while this is on
kids: it’s just a blank CD
I can’t diet because it would devastate the local fast food economy, and frankly, I just don’t think I could live with that kind of guilt.
[Dollar Store Interview]
“What are your qualifications?”
[Slides over a dollar]
“Cashier job is yours”
“Welcome to Management”
My fridge just screamed “OH JESUS, WHAT NOW?” at me as I opened its door.
BELLE: There goes the baker with his tray like always
BAKER: well there goes Belle, singing her DAILY MEAN SONG about us
Relationship status: DON’T TELL ME TO CALM DOWN, YOU CALLED A STORMTROOPER A ROBOT
Can’t. The ex-girlfriend is making me take her to the movies.
Wife: I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME THAT!