A good way to meet all of your neighbors at once is to take the trash out, in your pajamas.
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wife: Why would you bring a dog to an interview?
me: Why wouldn’t you bring a dog to an interview?
are you the girl who types everything said in court?
“yes”
I’m sorry
*turns to prosecutor and answers his question with dolphin noises*
OMG, shoot him with a crossbow one time and he never shuts up about it.
It wasn’t even fatal.
Me: I wonder why I don’t have any friends and can’t seem to find anyone to date.
Also me:
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
[classroom]
Nietzsche: whoever fights monsters should see to it that he does not become a monster. Any questions?Me: [googling how to fight a dragon] I have a few
Kids be like “Hey can you decorate outside my room for my birthday tomorrow like you did last year? But make it a surprise.”
I did nothing wrong—I tried to do nothing and did it wrong.
Amazon problems:
1920: pirahna
1990: losing rainforest
2017: wrong size
My morning commute was hectic today. I tripped over a dog toy and almost spilled my coffee. I made it to the couch safely though.
Imagine the alien whose first encounter with a human is somebody struggling to put on their scuba flippers.
Anyone that breaks up with me gets followed around by a gang of feral raccoons with tiny signs that say “Really?” and “Seriously dude?” for at least, a month.
3: mummy can I tell you about my dream?
Me: of course sweetie
3: *finishes 3 hours later* did you like it?
Me: *didn’t listen to any of it* loved it!
3: what was your favourite part?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: *sweating* the….unicorn part?
3: mine too yay!
Me: yay!
escape room concept (advanced): it’s Christmas and your family is asking why you’re still single
The American flag should be a picture of a cheeseburger watching TV on a couch made of fries.
Me: I like that we wear our masks in bed.
Jennifer Aniston: How do you keep getting in here?
Brad Pitt: Let him stay.
CW: Why don’t you ever wear your hair down?
Me: It makes me look approachable.
CW: So?
Me: I don’t want to encourage that.
[first date]
HER: ask me anything..
ME: are you paying for dinner?
God: welcome to heaven. here’s your wings.
Adam West: [putting on batman cowl] I won’t be needing those.
gen z girls can dress like 1998 all they want, but they’ll never know the joy of your parents having literally no way to get ahold of you until u come home
If you feel like you’re about to punch someone, take a deep breath. Then exhale as you punch to get more power.
*holding 7 steak knives*
DO I LOOK CRAZY TO YOU
I’m automatically suspicious of anyone who seems to really like me. From now on I want to see nothing but tepid enthusiasm from you, Sunshine.
My bank statement is just a record of everything I’ve eaten for the last month.
Remember when double entry was an accounting term?
“You know that’s not even a word, right?” I said, condescendingatively
I caught myself in the mirror eating a peach and instantly realized why so many people have boundaries with me.
Never tell a woman you’re infatuated with her. All she’ll hear is “fat”.
Me: This lingerie you bought me is super uncomfortable
BF: That’s a mosquito net I got for our camping trip