A good way to tell if an artistic idea is any good is to remember the most successful video game idea of all time is “a plumber steps on turtles” so who knows
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I need to get organized and plan ahead
*starts thawing the thanksgiving turkey
I just referred to tongs as ‘food tweezers’ in case you want to be in awe of my command of the English language.
Her: this isn’t going to work out
Me: *in the kiddie pool in full scuba gear* Why, what’s wrong?
“…anyway, long story short” bro, you’ve been talking for 53 minutes
I love how twitter uses little bluebirds to give the impression we are all sweet talkers. A couple of pterodactyls would be more realistic..
I freeze leftovers because I don’t want to throw away food now, I want to throw it away in 8 months.
“What is your reason for divorce?”
She pronounces ‘Kansas’ like the second part of ‘Arkansas’
her: there’s a huge spider in the kitchen
me: I’ll take care of it[2 minutes later]
her: is it done?
me: yah, house goes up for sale tomorrow
grandpa: you kids don’t know how tough life was back when-
me: grandpa if you ate a single Flamin’ Hot Cheeto you would die immediately please check your tone
[job interview]
him: do you use drugs or alcohol?
me: no
him: what’s your salary requirement?
me: to be able to afford drugs & alcohol
Now that my whole family is in our house all the time, it’s just nothing but drive-by shushing of each other all day.
I know it’s wrong to label people, but since I bought my label-maker it’s all I can think about.
I always wanted to die like a king.
According to the increase in my cheese intake it looks like that king will be Elvis Presley.
When you stop being a vegan –
is it called losing your veganity ?
Chopped: College Edition.
“In your mystery basket: Ramen Noodles, coffee, crippling debt, a worthless degree. Chefs, you have 30 minutes.”
I’m sure it’s fine.
I’m a big Kate Bush fan, and thanks to her I’ve just discovered a fascinating historical drama series called Stranger Things, all about youngsters in America a long time ago.
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbours for finding a loophole in the ‘no elephants’ clause in their lease
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ᴱ*dolphin diving off a cliff*
You’re telling me Adam DRIVER and Penelope CRUZ (cruise) are in a movie called Ferrari ???????????
Date: I’m looking for someone who is courageous.
Me: I’m braver than any marine.
Marine, at the table to my left: Excuse me?
Me: Any, uh, marine animal.
Manatee, on a date with the marine: Excuse us?
I just locked eyes with a man at the gym. Was it because of his massive muscles? His perfect sun kissed tan topped with nicely placed tattoos? Was it his large hands and feet? No. It was because he was eating a Caramel Apple Pop and I didn’t know you could still buy those.
At a doctor appointment:
“Step up on the scale”
Jokingly, “Do I have to?”
“No.”
“WHAT?!?!”HOW HAVE I GONE THIS LONG WITHOUT KNOWING THIS WAS AN OPTION?!
If I was an outlaw in the Wild West, my face would be on unwanted posters
I’m ugly in California man. I got a job there at a poison control center and they just called me into the room when they needed someone to throw up
People believe that they have brains but maybe that’s just inside their heads.
[Produce Aisle]
Sir, we’re going to have to ask you to leave.
*mouthful of like 20 grapes *
“That lady took one too!!”
I had sex twice in 24hours and I’m so glad that I have 4000 people to brag about it to
In a few hours, after I become a billionaire, I’m changing all the contact names in my phone to peasant.