A good woman is like home WiFi: Full of knowledge. Always there for you. Used by your roommate WHEN YOU’RE NOT THERE THAT’S RIGHT AMY I KNOW

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If my boss catches me surfing the internet, I make sure I have a screen open to a big box of tampons from Amazon and he leaves me alone


Hi, famous people getting DUIs. You know you can probably afford a driver, right? Just a thought.


I saw a billboard that said, “Be her Romeo” and featured a pic of a diamond ring. Apparently they have not read Shakespeare.


I give everyone nicknames because using real names is for people who can remember people’s names.


I got flipped off three times by the same woman during rush hour today. I’m never driving my wife to work again.


I’m starting to think the guy that gave me directions to the train station was just talking to someone on his Bluetooth.


The Dominos “tracker” says Ashley just left with my pizza so I only have a few minutes to get naked. Just glad it’s not Brad…



Not to brag, but a top modeling agency just offered me a job as a “before” model.