@pleatedjeans

A good woman is like home WiFi: Full of knowledge. Always there for you. Used by your roommate WHEN YOU’RE NOT THERE THAT’S RIGHT AMY I KNOW

You Might Also Like

@dumbbeezie

If my boss catches me surfing the internet, I make sure I have a screen open to a big box of tampons from Amazon and he leaves me alone

@LizHackett

Hi, famous people getting DUIs. You know you can probably afford a driver, right? Just a thought.

@hilaryfairie

I saw a billboard that said, “Be her Romeo” and featured a pic of a diamond ring. Apparently they have not read Shakespeare.

@UnFitz

I give everyone nicknames because using real names is for people who can remember people’s names.

@KentWGraham

I got flipped off three times by the same woman during rush hour today. I’m never driving my wife to work again.

@GuyThe_Guy

I’m starting to think the guy that gave me directions to the train station was just talking to someone on his Bluetooth.

@HandyJack420

The Dominos “tracker” says Ashley just left with my pizza so I only have a few minutes to get naked. Just glad it’s not Brad…

…again.

@dmc1138

Not to brag, but a top modeling agency just offered me a job as a “before” model.