A gorgeous woman’s been staring me down from across this cafe for an hour. The wildly handsome man directly behind me must be super jealous.
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You seem stressed. Perhaps I can help by stepping on your computer’s power button
–cats
I like to confuse my husband. So I smiled at him this morning.
Planning to edit the three Hobbit movies into one watchable movie. Should I use Instagram or Vine?
4: mom can I sing just a short song?
me: yes
4: ok its only just three hours long I promise
narrator: it was in fact, only just three hours long
“You can have more degrees than a thermometer & still be dumb as shit.”
– Old Southern Proverb
Him: Are you crazy crazy, Craigslist crazy, or institutionalize crazy?
Me: Yes
I’m a big Kate Bush fan, and thanks to her I’ve just discovered a fascinating historical drama series called Stranger Things, all about youngsters in America a long time ago.
Hey men, we women love it when you hit us up out of the blue for sex. I mean really, I’ve been waiting for this day for a year, Josh.
When your internet goes out and you are forced to get to know your surroundings
Child just ran by screaming WHERE’S THE PLUNGER GET TOWELS LOTS OF TOWELS so anyway how is your day going?
Now this is how you LinkedIn
Motorway in Britain: “Go 40mph for a bit”
You: “Why? What’s happened?”
Motorway: “Absolutely nothing”
I wear my 5k tshirt as proof of the day I exercised
Kids should come with a “skip intro” button for their stories
ME: Boy, the upstairs neighbors are sure noisy tonight.
WIFE: Y— wait. We live on the top floor.
ME: *remembering my promise to the brotherhood of dancing chimney sweeps* Boy, sure is windy, is what I meant to say.
[First Date]
Paige Turner: I’ve been unlucky in love. I feel like people expect me to be more exciting
Cliff Hanger: Weird. I get that too
Kids have it rough these days. Alexa wasn’t responding to my son , so he had to change the volume on his commercial-free, on-demand show by physically pressing buttons on the remote control.
“what’s something you’d tell your younger self?” you can have ice cream for dinner, nobody will stop you
[ first day in retail]
me: can i help you find something
customer: im just window shopping
me: we don’t sell those
getting a key tattoo but getting it covered up with a doormat tattoo so no one ever finds it
unstable person: “jet fuel doesn’t melt steel beams, 9/11 was an inside job”
stable person: “i look after horses”
[assembling baby’s cot]
Wife: take that bit off
Me [reluctantly removing the machine gun turret]: so anyone can just walk in here then
What if Canada is just like 100 dudes faking a country like that scene in Home Alone where Kevin fakes the party?
[elevator]
“Wanna buy a spoon?”
Huh, no, why?
[elevator slowly fills with pudding]
[opens briefcase filled with spoons]
[sheepishly] Yes.
Have you ever been so hungry you’ve eaten fruit
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Have you showered today?
Me: Um, I …
Netflix: And use soap this time.
What’s your stance on public intoxication?
Mine is very wobbly.
Me: I can’t wait to get naked and be inside you!
Sleeping bag salesman: ….. so did I mention there’s a non-return policy on those?
The CEO of IKEA has been elected the Prime Minister of Sweden…He’s currently assembling his cabinet.
I saw a horse last week and didn’t immediately say ‘horse” but it finally came out today in the middle of an important meeting and everyone thought I was brain storming