@VaguelyFunnyDan

A gorgeous woman’s been staring me down from across this cafe for an hour. The wildly handsome man directly behind me must be super jealous.

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@PaperWash

I get it grandma. I’m not sure what to do on Facebook either.

@AnnietheNanny1

Me in my 20’s:
I don’t want to leave the house if my Victoria’s Secret bra doesn’t match my thong.

Me in my 40’s:
I don’t want to leave the house.

@steeve_again

[training the new person at work]

Them: so you do this everyday?

Me, hiding in the toilet for the 6th time: yes

@bornmiserable

when I die, cross my arms in the casket so I’ll look like I’m disappointed in everyone who comes to view my body at the funeral

@brendohare

Whenever I see a celebrity photobomb, I’m like, that’s so relatable. I too constantly ruin moments and think I’m more fun than I actually am

@est1975blog

I never knew my son was 80 years old until he told me to text our neighbor because “his leaves are getting on our lawn.”

@Skullcat

What if ants aren’t insects at all but are vehicles that even smaller insects drive to work?

@BunAndLeggings

When my 7yo was 5 she found a cape in my drawer. I told her I was a superhero and to keep it a secret. At random she would whisper “I know your secret” and it would freak me out, how much does this kid know!? Then I would remember the cape incident.