@yenniwhite

A GPS. But for where your story is going.

You Might Also Like

@HolycrapitsaKat

*Someone compliments me*

Me: *laughs* shut up! I am not, you lying piece of shit.

@mattytalks

I was just about to have sex but then a gust of wind blew my condom into a labyrinth and like a fool I ran in to get it

@BoomBoomBetty

Uber, but for someone coming to your house and opening jars when you’re mad at your spouse.

@pilau

me: why’d you pull me over?

cop: I think you know why

me: it’s my eyes isn’t it

cop: …

me: *sigh* they’re hazel

cop: so mysterious

@BPMbadassmama

I know exactly how President Obama feels. Every time my kids are forced to listen to me, they make angry Republican faces.

@rebrafsim

Me: do you think he called himself T.S. Eliot so nobody would notice that T. Eliot is toilet backwards?

Librarian: stop talking

@eliyudin

I spent so much time bowling as a kid that the first time I fingered a girl I accidentally threw her down the hallway

@RexRizzo

Wired: “Machine learning will TAKE OVER THE WORLD!”

Amazon: “We see you bought a wallet. Would you like to buy ANOTHER WALLET?”

@BBQJones28

Family cookouts are spent telling me to “stop…don’t say that”

@skedaddle74

All the answers you need in life are in that one movie your mom wouldn’t let you watch when you were seven.