A GPS. But for where your story is going.
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ME: A bear is just an angry couch.
PARK RANGER: Sir, get slowly off the bear.
ME: *snuggling in* No. It’s fluffy.
When your surrounded by idiots, just remember, murder is illegal and sarcasm is way more satisfying.
Relationships are about compromise. I pretend she’s not watching a Gossip Girl boxset. She pretends I’m not digging her grave in the garden.
Doc: How much exercise you get in a week?
Me: Does sex count?
Doc: Yes
Me: None
DICKENS: I’ve got writers block… I’ll have a martini, Bob.
BARTENDER: Olive or twist?
DICKENS: *looks into camera*
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for someone who is good with people
ME: *grabbing my stuff* Good luck with your search
I don’t know why friends and family keep getting pregnant when I have two kids right here they can have.
DID Y’ALL KNOW THAT THEY MAKE CAFFEINATED WATER? WHY AM I YELLING?!?
“Sorry, we can’t sell you one jalapeño for 35 cents. But we can sell you a plastic-wrapped styrofoam tray with 8 jalapeños on it for $2.99. Then you can use the one jalapeño you need, and let the rest go moldy in the fridge for a couple weeks before you toss them out.”
(holding a pickle like a cigarette) do you mind if i?
August 8
I wish I could veto my bills.
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
2010 Drive-by: Someone wants you dead.
2020 Drive-by: It’s probably your birthday.
I got hit on by a 23 yr old today, like wtf am I supposed to do with her? Give her lunch money?
I feel like I’d really make more progress on my goal of being more positive if everyone wasn’t such a huge piece of shit all the time
‘this never happened to me so it probably never happened’
– idiots
Welcome to marriage. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can be used against you in a court of in-laws
Nothing like quiet, peaceful coffee on the patio
Till the neighbors start to mow
The plan: slip my number to the hot guy and whisper “Let’s talk later”
How it went: slipped and fell into the hot guy and stammered “–‘stalk later”
ME: All my life I’ve been judged. Quit doing drugs! Don’t sleep around!
JUDGE: We have the murder weapon.
ME: Again, with the judging.
i dont care if people dislike me, but if a pet ignores me, i will hit them up nonstop & keep changing my look drastically until they love me
[Inventor of cage-free eggs] Why are these eggs in these cages
*panicking* 3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3
Was pretty pleased my 6th grader took a break from hiding in his room gaming w/friends to bike 6 blocks to the library and meet friends.
“So what did you do there?!” I asked eagerly.
“There’s 3 computers in a row so we can all play at once.”
At least he biked 12 blocks?
When the audio cuts out at the end of a newscast and the anchors start chit-chatting I like to pretend it’s about my surprise party.
Aging is the worst. I miss the good ol’ days when my pain was strictly emotional.
30% of parenting is just asking,
“Why is this wet?”
ME: OMG did I just get a shout-out on the radio?
GETAWAY DRIVER: [turning off police scanner] Kinda