*Someone compliments me*
Me: *laughs* shut up! I am not, you lying piece of shit.
A GPS. But for where your story is going.
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I was just about to have sex but then a gust of wind blew my condom into a labyrinth and like a fool I ran in to get it
Uber, but for someone coming to your house and opening jars when you’re mad at your spouse.
me: why’d you pull me over?
cop: I think you know why
me: it’s my eyes isn’t it
me: *sigh* they’re hazel
cop: so mysterious
I know exactly how President Obama feels. Every time my kids are forced to listen to me, they make angry Republican faces.
Me: do you think he called himself T.S. Eliot so nobody would notice that T. Eliot is toilet backwards?
Librarian: stop talking
I spent so much time bowling as a kid that the first time I fingered a girl I accidentally threw her down the hallway
Wired: “Machine learning will TAKE OVER THE WORLD!”
Amazon: “We see you bought a wallet. Would you like to buy ANOTHER WALLET?”
Family cookouts are spent telling me to “stop…don’t say that”
All the answers you need in life are in that one movie your mom wouldn’t let you watch when you were seven.