My friend and I got the number off the pay phone outside the 7-11 you could see from her house and when people would walk by we’d call the phone and whoever had the longest conversation had to buy the other a Slurpee. Let’s just say I got a lot of free Slurpees that summer.
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Lisa never talks about her younger brother, Lava Lampanelli.
Speed dating?
You mean pizza delivered in less than 30 mins…
trump is putting everyone who works at goldman sachs in the government so that there’s no one left to run GS and they go out of business
You: Would you like a keto burger?
My Anaconda: No.
Once I get the creative juices flowing, I realize how disgusting that really sounds.
In The Little Mermaid, the real reason Ariel wanted human legs was because Eric told her he doesn’t eat sushi.
Officer: “didn’t you know that sleeping in your car on the side of the road is illegal ?”
Me: “yes I did officer. But this isn’t my car”
I’m trying to like people but boy oh boy do they make it hard.
Sadiq’s joke in today’s Time Out 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼
Me: You want some cereal?
2 year-old: Yay cereal!
Me: Want some Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
2: Yay cinnamon crack!
Me: Ok-wait, what??
Me: Is that a web tattoo on your elbow because you like Spider-Man?
Them: Naw, I killed 5 people
Me: so you don’t like Spider-Man?
My milk crate brings all the boys to the ER.
i dont understand why two people reaching into the same bag of snacks at the same time is considered romantic. like excuse me you are in the way of my snacks
When life hands you lemons be thankful God didn’t slip and hit the demons button
What if Canada is just like 100 dudes faking a country like that scene in Home Alone where Kevin fakes the party?
Me:”The store didn’t have any bread so I brought flour”
Wife:”If they didn’t have butter would you buy a cow”
*sound of hooves in kitchen*
I’m so glad this hat comes with instructions
Spice up your marriage by slamming doors sometimes when you’re not even angry.
*after sex*
Me:
Person:
M:
P:
M:
P:
Me: “was it because-”
P: “YES it was because you said “oh lawd she comin” when you climaxed”
I spend 99% of my drunk time chasing my cat around trying to give him a hug.
mobster: are you wearing a wire?
me: *speaking directly into the potted plant I’m carrying* no, of course not
cw: (hanging up the phone) never get married.
me: why?
cw: that was my husband. he called to tell me about the gold panning kit he just bought on amazon.
But I meant it as a compliment when I said your baby looks like a pug.
Encourage your children to be unfriendly so you can keep your weekends free of other kids’ parties.
My wife is not satisfied with my assurances that the spider is dead. I must also produce a death certificate, pictures from the funeral and the names and addresses of next of kin.
“I heard that taking your shirt off can make you appear more aggressive and self-confident.”
“Ok, but we already said you got the job.”
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
snowmen are one of the cutest things about humanity tbh. like oh it snowed? why don’t we make a little guy about it
Laying down some rules for my surfer gf… when she tells her friends why I won’t go in the water I want her to explain that I’m scared of the size of the ocean, and not just say “He’s scared” without elaborating