A graham cracker is just a white dude selling coke in the ghetto.

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‘Worcestershire’ sounds like the most awful shire a Hobbit could possibly live.


I’m watching ‘Dexter’ for inspiration. Entertainment. I meant entertainment.


March 23: Trump pretends to drive big-rig. House bill falls apart.

July 17: Trump pretends to drive firetruck. Senate bill falls apart.


Me: What are the lyrics to every 80s sitcom I’ve ever seen
Brain: Coming right up

Me: Remember to pay that bill
Brain: Nope


I accidentally hired a wordsmith instead of a locksmith and now my latched threshold has been compromised by a metallic puzzle solver.


therapist: and what did we say you should do when you’re feeling upset?

me: order a large pizza and eat it in the shower while thinking of ways to avenge those who hurt me

therapist: no


REPUBLICANS: I can’t believe Trump won.

DEMOCRATS: I can’t believe Hillary lost.

ME: I can’t believe it’s not butter!


If you, don’t know, how, to properly use a comma don’t use, them ok.


Twitter: where 20-year standup comedy vets get out-funnyed by accountants, college kids, junkies, & unemployed single moms on a daily basis.