A great summer prank is to park your car just outside the mall with a fully cooked ham in baby clothes strapped into a child seat.
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152,000 people will die today but not the one you want.
[donating blood]
“You’re looking a little faint. Can I get you a drink?”
“No thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns.”
Every day can be sparkly if you stick a fork into a socket.
I don’t get to work from home but that won’t stop me from showing up in my bathrobe.
My 6yo: *begs to go to a Mexican restaurant*
Also my 6yo: *orders a hot dog*
Boss said no more sock puppets during zoom meetings.
[driving home from party]
Wife: That was so embarrassingMe: I said I’m useless at remembering people’s names
Wife: It’s Amy
Me: Yes I know that now, Amy
This guy hitting straight bombs off his toddler at home during the Coronavirus pandemic is the Twitter content I’m here for.
Stay at home. Save lives.🌎❤️
*maintains eye contact with the McDonald’s employee while slowly filling my cargo shorts with free napkins*
6yo: *sprays perfume on brother’s head*
4yo: it’s ok, I like it
me:
4yo: except for the smell
I hope someday you’ll find it in your heart to murder me.
Canadian winters be like:
Today’s high is -23, but with the wind chill it feels like -57.
due to the pandemic “following up” is currently suspended. if you try to “circle back” with me i will call the police
TRES leches?! En esta economía?!
AC changed “dies slow death” to “does slow death” and that actually feels more on point
[at hair salon]
Her (holding up mirror): Look good?
Me: Looks great!!![in car two minutes later]
Me (looking in mirror): wtf did she do to my hair
How to be a beautiful woman*:
– Breathe fire
– have a 30 feet long wingspan
– keep your scales acid shiny
– sharpen your claws*Awesome dragon
*Wife busts me installing locks on man-cave door*
Wife : Great idea! That will keep the kids out!
Me : Uh… yeah. The kids.
“All of everything is about balance,” she says juggling three chainsaws, five flaming bowling balls, & a chicken named Englebert.
I guess my least favorite author is probably Hitler
My 6yo was losing in a game of air hockey with my 9yo, got frustrated and refused to continue. I tried talking to her about not giving up in these situations and she said “Well, you give up when you’re arguing with mommy.”
sometimes when I think that I might be about to do something stupid or ill-advised, I think of grandma’s last words to me: “don’t unplug that”
If people winked in real life as much as they do on the Internet, the world would be about 542.67% creepier.
I just searched for a picture of “desserts” and a photo of grapes popped up. What kind of sick person has grapes for dessert?
america: tremble at our nuclear might
also america: we skip the number 13 on elevators when we build skyscrapers cos that’s spooky
me: shoot for the moon
astronaut: houston please I need actual coordinates
ACQUAINTANCE: read any good books lately?
ME: yeah, I just finished “How to Make Friends and Hypnotize People”
ACQUAINTANCE: I think it’s “Influence People”
ME: *swinging watch* no it’s not
FRIEND: you’re right buddy, it’s not
Just watched a guy walk into the wall, because he couldn’t decide if he should go left or right. The future of humanity scares me.
This white lady just whispered to her husband “there’s so many Asian people”… ma’m this is a flight to Japan
[Job Interview]
Me: I promise to be dedicated to every day, reliable when depended on, and steadfastly devoted always. Nothing means more to me.
Job interviewer: Are you reading a love letter?