Wife: can you please stop referring to our entire marriage as your “awkward phase”
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[kid watching an episode of The Flintstones for the first time]
“They made a show based on vitamins? This is dumb.”
Me: The salon had just closed when I got there, so…
Him: Don’t do this.
Me: I didn’t make the cut.
Him: Ugh, I’m married to a dad.
“That is fertilizer” -Vin Scully
Therapist: what’s your support system like?
Me: about $150 an oz
Pro tip: if you have a student’s mother email you for a grade change have your mother respond to it.
Fight 🔥 with 🔥
I swear they do that thing where they close a lane of traffic, cut out holes, and then refill them with new concrete just to piss me off
Fox News: Witnesses are telling us Michael Brown may have charged Officer Darren Wilson atop a dragon, wielding a poison-tipped broadsword
Not saying I’m special but kids these days never have any money behind their ears.
Its wrong that priests have to live a life of forced celibacy . They should get married and let celibacy come upon them the usual way.
I am patiently waiting for your email
WIFE: Not your eyes! You dont have to prove it anymore
GUY WHO CLAIMS HE PUTS HOT SAUCE ON EVERYTHING: *thru tears* I made a commitment babe
As sorry as I feel for the man, I think the real victim was the guy who had to count the bees
me reading the group chat when nobody thinks i’m around
I would have loved to have been there when Mary and Joseph tried to explain to Jesus where babies come from.
Irony ~ giving my daughter a set of my old encyclopedias and she Googles “What’s an encyclopedia?”
Boss: Don’t sit in that cubicle, it’s haunted by the ghost of Steve
New Hire: Prove it
Boss: DONUTS IN THE BREAKROOM
* the office chair spins around immediately *
The most realistic scene in Star Wars was when Darth Vader lost his cool during a staff meeting and used the force to choke a coworker.
Me *dying* no, no, no, I can’t join the afterlife with these on
[Later]
Wife: What the hell is that noise?
Son: I think that ghost is wearing flip flops
Ben Affleck works at Dunkin’ Donuts in their new #SuperBowl ad.
told my husband I was going to start eating healthy again and he went and bought girl scout cookies like someone who doesn’t value his life
Hubs: Ok boys, pick a number 1-4
3 year old: Lion Gaurd!
5 year old: 5!
So yes, homeschooling is going quite well.
Just so you know, anytime I’ve said, ‘duly noted,’ I ain’t noting shit.
Maybe I should’ve learned to code instead of majoring in Bermuda Triangle Studies
Me: Do you wear clothes under your robe because otherwise it would be too itchy?
Attorney: My client means, “not guilty,” Your Honor.
Dog sitting my sister’s terrier:
How much do we feed her?
-It’s cool just leave her food out.Our lab:
YEAH JUST LEAVE HER FOOD OUT!
“Hey. You sleeping? No? Whatcha thinkin about? Hey. Did you hear me? Hey. Hey. Ok. You’re boring. I’m leaving… Jk I’m back. Hey” – Birds
I wish I could get the hell out of here and move to New Zealand. A Hobbit hole in Bag End would be nice right about now.
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to have pizza.
The sun got the nerve to be out.
Don’t just stand there, DO SOMETHING