A great vocabulary is such a turn on. A guy used the word “bifurcated” during a meeting and I almost threw my panties at him.
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Parenting is no different than a bear attack. Curl up & play dead and they usually leave you alone.
You give me that many goddamn birds for one f****** holiday and I’m grilling the shit out of them. Lemon pepper turtle doves, anyone?
A required corporate training course said to build strong relationships.
Also, HR told me it’s “inappropriate” to kiss strangers.
It still works 🤷🏼♀️
There was a pretty girl in the produce section so to impress her I bought a mango
Sleep patterns are fascinating. There’s light sleep, where your heart rate slows; deep sleep, where you can’t easily be wakened; and REM sleep, where you lose your religion.
I like how all these people are acting like they’ve never seen a naked 37 year old man fight 3 security guards at a mall food court before.
12: My favorite band is Green Day
Grandpa: Who the hell is green dog?
Me: Clifford’s cousin
*Death comes for me but is once again fooled by my false moustache*
Damn girl, are you astrophysics? Because I don’t know enough about you to finish this joke.
Me: some mornings I see myself in the mirror and think what am I even getting ready for
Therapist: sorry, can you pull the toothbrush out of your beard
[carrot slice falls on the floor]
Ah well I guess it’s in the trash with you[potato chip falls on the floor]
YOU THOUGHT YOU COULD ESCAPE.
i stopped listening to the radio once they stopped making them out of ham
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘effusive’
“E-F-F-U-S-I-V-E”
That is correct. What was your name?
“It’s Siv”
I know lmao [hi5s other judge]
I feel like all bears are Bad News Bears. I’ve never seen a bear and was like “Oh, he looks like he has good news for us, lets stick around”
Scooby-Doo gave me unrealistic expectations about how often a human, dressed as a monster, would chase me.
ME: Doctor, doctor. I think I’m a pair of curtains.
DOC: Pull yourself together!
*both laughing*
DOC: But seriously, I’m gonna refer you to a therapist cos that shit ain’t right.
So apparently not every chubby guy with a mustache is named Mario. My bad, dad.
Ex [to kids]: dad made a mistake and will be gone for awhile
8: what did he do?
Ex: what do you think he did?
8: he drove while drinking
Ex: yes
8: AGAIN?!
I could be an astrononaut. If it wasn’t for the in shape part. Or the science. Or the going into space.
“you’re your mother” — full name of cellist yo yo ma
“Easy Come, Easy Go” – My clinic name if I ever become a urologist.
My dress code is business-casualty.
My neighbor’s dogs are named Calvin and Klein. They’re boxers.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s the sky.
Toddler: what’s sky mean?
Me: sky means sky.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s grass.
Toddler: what’s grass mean?
Me: grass means grass.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: tears.
Toddler: what’s tears mean?
Me: it means please just stop.
Sorry I’m late. The door said PULL, but I don’t believe everything I read.
I think it’s cool that when you’re pregnant you not only make a baby but you also make a little table where you can put your cereal bowl.
Dear Mom and Dad: Camp is awful and I want to go home. They haven’t let us go swimming even once, and I hate the orange jumpsuits they make us wear. Also, the counselors are mean and my cabin mate says he’s going to shank me. Making license plates is fun, though. Love, John.
*aggressively waits in line*