I plan on being Batman for Halloween.
And now that I’ve told you all this, I realize I’m actually one shitty Batman.
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I wish I could literally LMAO..That sounds like a lot more fun than 90 minutes at the gym.
Me: You really brighten up the room!
Date: Aww, thanks!
Me: *staring directly at the sun* Who said that
No matter which door you go in at the Home Depot, you’ll always exit the farthest one from your car.
interviewer: would u say ur driven
[cut to my mom waiting in the parking lot to drive me home]
me: oh yes
ME: We’re adopting a baby!
FRIEND: Congrats! Will you need my old baby gate?
ME: [considers summoning a baby] Nah, we’ll get one from this dimension
Hell is having a married couple tell you a story at the same time.
Being a parent is less like opening a wardrobe to find Narnia & more like opening a sock drawer to find a potato chip.
when i am in a store i always seek out the dustiest corner and lay my eggs there
Trying to guess in 6 attempts what an angry toddler is saying before they really start losing their shit is called Wordle Extreme
daddy yankee wouldn’t approve of these gasolina prices
I could never be an actress because I don’t want kids and would never be able to say “but my favorite role is being a mom” at award shows.
[laying in bed]
Wife: I’d rather chew on aluminum foil while listening to Nickelback
Me: …a simple, “I have a headache” would’ve been fine
Don’t go chasin’ waterfalls. If a waterfall isn’t staying in place you probably have bigger things to worry about. Run for your life.
Your Tinder date welcomes you into their bedroom. They excuse themselves and go to the bathroom, leaving you alone on their bed. What is your next move?
A. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
B. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
C. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
D. All of the above
My kid drinks a teaspoon of medicine with the intensity of a sommelier at a wine tasting.
BABY: *cries*
ME: Get in line, buddy.PUPPY: *cries*
ME: *panicking* OMG, WHAT GREAT TRAGEDY HAS BEFALLEN YOU, MR. NIBBLES?
Yesterday, I learned about a crypto trading hamster that’s beating the S&P 500 and Warren Buffett. I now own 63 hamsters.
Have no idea why I consider this *so* hilarious. But I do. 🤣🤣🤣
*forgets why I walked into a room*
*remembers lyrics to a song I heard once 20 years ago*
Perfecting my gay-nar. It’s an underwater homosexual detector.
Me: Sorry I’m late, I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour.
Boss: Need a new battery?
Me: No, I just think I need better shoes.
I was at a Hanukkah party at my uncle’s house and one of my cousins was like, “hey look it’s bitcoin” and held up a piece of gelt that he’d taken a bite out of
Only thing I Iike about kids, is their ability to attract ice cream trucks
*I will not be awkward*
*I will not be awkward*Uber Eats delivery guy: Enjoy your dinner!
Me: Thanks, you too
*gently pushes Spider-Man out the door with a magazine*
“Let’s call it a day.”
I don’t know what else you’d call it.
Calling it a turtle would just sound stupid.
“Lets call it a turtle.”
See?
The orthodontist says I’m doing a “super job” wearing my retainers. All this really means is that I’m able to put things in my mouth.
Unwritten rule: if you find an unconscious security guard you have to drag him to a supply closet and change into his uniform.
Facebook game requests are like the Jehovah’s Witnesses of the internet. No matter how much you say no thank you, they just keep showing up.
[meeting with financial advisor] ok so how does money work