A great way to de-stress is to get in a car & drive til ur in a new town & ur name is Geoff. Doesnt matter if ur a boy or girl, ur Geoff now

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Wife: I just vacuumed so don’t make a mess

Daughter: Yeah, don’t make a mess dad

Me: I’m not the one she was *drops sandwich* dammit


Not to brag but growing up my boys thought a unanimous decision meant whatever mom wants.


I made HUGE surprise plans for my wife’s birthday tonight–dinner, dancing, champagne, the works–but the babysitter just cancelled & now we can’t do anything!

Did that sound believable to you guys? If you were my wife would you suspect, hypothetically, that I didn’t make plans?


“Sarcasm will take you nowhere in the world”, my friend kept saying.

“It got me to the international Sarcasm finals in Monaco in 2017”

“Really “?



Those tiny bottles at the liquor store aren’t free samples.

I know that now.


It’s like the people in this restroom don’t even want my help unbuttoning their pants.



I love spending 20 mins wrapping cocktail weiners in croissant dough so the 3yo at the party can take off the ‘crust’ and eat just the ‘hotdog’.


If I were to walk 500 miles and walk 500 more I’d be the man to die from cardiac arrest right at your door


Today I saw “Jesus doesn’t care about your grades” written on the sidewalk in chalk and all I could think was “Thank god, he’d be pissed”