[a shark bites my arm off at the bicep]
me: “MY TATTOOS”
A great way to get a cw to stop talking to you permanently is to start clipping your toenails in the middle of their story
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[1 of 4 car accidents caused by texting & driving]
PEOPLE: won’t be me
[1 in 292 million chance of winning powerball]
PEOPLE: you never know
Dog: I don’t get it
Me: What don’t you get?
Dog: Just go over it again
Me: This is MY food and that is YOUR food
Dog: *tilts head* What?
Me: I can’t make it in today.
Boss: How sick are you?
M: I cut my sandwiches in rectangles instead of triangles.
B: Jesus, you ARE sick.
I’m gods gift to women if god only shopped at Rite Aid.
Mary Had a Little Lamb, Little Lamb, Little Lamb.
Maybe she wasn’t that hungry.
SCIENTIST: You are my finest creation, and I love you like a son even though you’ve malfunctioned and now only say-
ROBOT: Fight me, dipshit
how did ur grandpa get dementia and forget EVERYTHING except the racism
If I owned a Brazilian waxing joint, I’d call it Pubic’s Cube or The Razor’s Edge or Hedging Your Bets or Getting a Leg Up or Bush League or
I like to say something disgusting which makes someone else say something more disgusting then I call them a pervert.