@mattZillaaaa

A great way to get a cw to stop talking to you permanently is to start clipping your toenails in the middle of their story

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@KeetPotato

[a shark bites my arm off at the bicep]
me: “MY TATTOOS”

@TheCatWhisprer

[1 of 4 car accidents caused by texting & driving]
PEOPLE: won’t be me
[1 in 292 million chance of winning powerball]
PEOPLE: you never know

@thajawn

Dog: I don’t get it

Me: What don’t you get?

Dog: Just go over it again

Me: This is MY food and that is YOUR food

Dog: *tilts head* What?

@Tmoney68

Me: I can’t make it in today.

Boss: How sick are you?

M: I cut my sandwiches in rectangles instead of triangles.

B: Jesus, you ARE sick.

@RandomManik

Mary Had a Little Lamb, Little Lamb, Little Lamb.

Maybe she wasn’t that hungry.

@NamestartswithZ

SCIENTIST: You are my finest creation, and I love you like a son even though you’ve malfunctioned and now only say-
ROBOT: Fight me, dipshit

@bocxtop

how did ur grandpa get dementia and forget EVERYTHING except the racism

@KattsDogma

If I owned a Brazilian waxing joint, I’d call it Pubic’s Cube or The Razor’s Edge or Hedging Your Bets or Getting a Leg Up or Bush League or

@_Tempo11

I like to say something disgusting which makes someone else say something more disgusting then I call them a pervert.