A great way to make people nervous is to tell them where the bathroom is without their asking.
You Might Also Like
Found the job I’m suited for
I start each day with a green smoothie. Wait, no, the bartender’s saying it’s called a “Mojito.”
Cat is stressing him out.
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
I can almost always tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs!
Watching holiday movies as a kid gave me the impression that as an adult I’ll forget my kid at home or have to drive in a halfway burned down car to get where I’m going.
Good morning to everyone except the sentient computer who locked me out of the space station
Don’t you hate it when you’ve been working out for 2 hours and realize it’s only been 15 minutes?
Like a good neighbor
plow my driveway, not my wife
I was the most experienced baker at a bread factory. A roll model, if you will.
Curiosity didn’t kill that Black Cat. It was Jesus. It crossed his path and Jesus is very sensitive about being crossed.
[writing in my journal about the girl I like]
Her hair was soft like really soft hair, her lips surrounded her mouth all the time.
someone very mysteriously dumped 3-400 pounds of pasta in the woods in old bridge, nj …… i need to know everything
Interview
Bishop: Do you have any job-related questions?
Vicar: No
Bishop: What about the other Bible chapters?
AMERICAN: *talking like it’s no big deal* Yeah I had to drive 47 hours to get home for thanksgiving
ME: *living in UK* If I drive in one direction for 20 minutes I fall into the sea
Fitness guru just tweeted “remember to breathe” and it was pure luck that I got the message in time.
ME: hey kids, who wants eggs, toast & bacon for breakfast?!
KIDS: we do!
M: I know right? who wouldn’t? here’s some cold pop tarts. eat up
3.14159265358979WISH32384626433THIS832795028WAS8419716939937REAL51058PIE2097494AND45923078NOT16JUST40628MATH620899862BULLSHIT803482534211706
[leaning over bathroom sink]
Me: *clips fingernail*
Fingernail: *lands in Italy*
I remember when I was 14 I really wanted a ZX Spectrum. I did odd jobs, and saved up my pocket money and paper-round wages until eventually I had enough money to pay my cousin Dawn to steal one from Dixon’s
A lady in Walmart told her son “PUT THAT SHIT BACK” so loud I almost put my shit back
There’s a fine line between confidence and delusion and I ride that shit like a bear on a unicycle.
Handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
ME: But Lord, what about the times I saw only one set of footprints in the sand?
JESUS: You know what, stop trying to be some kind of beach detective
I refuse to watch shows like “Are You Smarter than a 5th Grader?” because I already know I’m not.
Friend: What was the hardest part of learning to pay the kazoo?
Me *thinking about it* probably when Amy left
#IsStrangerThanStrangerThings
A groundhog taking the wheel
When someone tells me, “I think of you as family,” I assume I’m about to be yelled at for something that happened 10 years ago.
THERAPIST: tell me about your childhood
THE PREDATOR FROM ALIEN VS PREDATOR: well, when I was a child predator…
THERAPIST: ok, first let’s talk about phrasing
[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
“My honesty”
“I don’t think-”
“I broke into ur house and made love to ur cat last night”