A great way to make people nervous is to tell them where the bathroom is without their asking.
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Passwords are by far the best way to keep me from accessing any of my stuff
Probably just poor graphic design…
Still not gonna drink from it.
Still suddenly panicking that you haven’t done your homework on Sunday evenings, despite being in your thirties
[babies txting]
“my dad’s thumb just came off”
lol wtf 😂
“wait its back on again nvm”
ok lmao
“he just stole my nose”
im phoning the police
89% of the time when my husband tells me I look great what he really means is “We needed to leave five minutes ago.”
Me: you want salmon for dinner?
3yo: yeah!
Me: what do you want with it?
3yo: mayo.
Me: I meant what kind of vegetable.
3yo: mayonnaise.
My neighbors got so weird when I asked how many bodies they thought were buried in their yard. I meant roughly, not like an exact number.
I can’t tell the difference between large, extra large and jumbo eggs. There, I said it.
I never answer my door because it’s always someone trying to get me to switch to Verizon or someone trying to get me to switch to God and I’m not interested in either of those services
School – “Here is an amazing photo of the kids outside enjoying a beautiful spring day!”
Every parent – It would be amazing if my kid weren’t picking their nose
My 6 year old came into the bathroom while I was using it to tell me she hates it when the dog comes into the bathroom when she’s using it.
11 y/o Daughter: [opens xmas present] uh..cable ties?
Wife: she asked for a pony..
Me: a pony? ..SHE CAN’T EVEN LOOK AFTER HER CABLES LINDA
4: Mommy, do I look like a taco?
(I pause, consider the question and remind myself I’m dealing with a highly irrational creature)
Me: Do you want to look like a taco?
4: Yes!
Me: You look exactly like a taco.
At least chocolate chip cookies don’t look like brains. I’m talking about you, cauliflower.
Why is it no matter how bad you rack yourself physically ppl invariably ask “Are you ok?”
Sure I am. Why I was just thinking this morning my hair would look so much better if it had matted blood in it.
You say “tomato”, I say “flamingo”. I also put goldfish in my armpits. My opinion should be ignored.
[cocktail party]
Me: [swirls brandy]
Brandy: PUT ME DOWN
I put energy drinks in the hummingbird feeder. It’s for science.
“Despite my best efforts, my hot air balloon just isn’t going to fly.”
“Dude, that’s a bike with a blanket on it.”
“My best efforts.”
Welcome to your 40’s where the small print appears to have gotten a lot smaller!
Waiter: entrée?
Me: I don’t mind what you bring it on
[watching video of an amazing feat]
Age 20: i could do that
Age 30: he’s amazing
Age 40: doesn’t that guy work
My tinder profile says I love dogs but then on dates I elaborate that it is hot dogs and corn dogs
WHY DOES EVERYONE ON DATING APPS LIKE HIKING SO MUCH
IF UR DATING SOMEONE
AND THEY GIVE YOU GOOSEBUMPS
BUT THEY DON’T GIVE YOU FRIES
WHY ARE YOU TOGETHER?
Sent him a pic and he replied “BOOM!!” Trying to figure out if that means he liked it or he threw himself on a grenade.
Coworker sneezed, and said “Oh my. I don’t know where that came from.”
I’m no Scientist, but I’m pretty sure it came from her nose.
this spot reserved for good ol boys that know how to smoke a brisket
[at bank]
Samuel L Jackson turning in swear jar: I need a bank check to buy Rhode Island