A great way to relive your childhood is to outgrow your clothes every few months.
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You wanna know how to be a great aunt? Give nice or nephew a set of bagpipes for their Birthday. Their mother will love you for that.
-Me giving family advice
I remember a story about a girl with a broken leg, and a boy who told her not to fight the pain but instead to gently ride its waves until she could actually see the pain far away beneath her, so she hit him with a rock.
Get yourself a man who talks constantly in his sleep. You don’t have to, but I did. Tonight he said “salad salad salad”, then he grabbed me, and continued to sleep.
I assume he meant I’m a delicious life-giving snack, but he may have been suggesting a diet.
i wish someone just lost their shit over me like a rooster does the sunrise.
Hey Twitter, you get a new comic EARLY
Hi, I need to schedule a doctor’s appointment. Why? I’m down a few pounds and need it documented in my permanent record. I AM THINNER and won’t be ignored.
*gleefully prepares egg salad sandwiches for milestone birthday party of office nemesis*
friend: what r u up to
me: eating 3 pounds of pasta
friend: what r u training for
me: eating 5
[coming back into house from grocery store]
Me: thanks for coming with me!
7: I didn’t really have a choice.
Me: but it was nice, right?
5: we can’t stay home alone.
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
WAITER: how would you like your eggs
ME: nogged
Googled how to seduce a guy and Google replied – girl if you have to ask it ain’t gonna happen.
Artist: I love painting you. Times are tough.
Model: Are you a starving artist?
Artist: Kinda. *continues brushing butter on model*
Julius Caesar was born with a silver spoon in his mouth and died with a whole bunch of cutlery in his back.
The first person to eat a fortune cookie probably ate the paper too, which is unfortunate
I never see trophy hunters posing with like, dead mosquitoes. are you trying to impress me or not
my deep-seated irrational fear of ceiling fans has been vindicated
[pronounces modeling like yodeling]
9/10 students agree that someone got lost on the field trip
Ticket Clerk: Enjoy the film!
Me: U too!
TC: Really? You’ll take me with u?
Me: I didn’t mean..
TC: Oh, I see
Me: I’m sor
TC: [sobs] JUST GO
At my age, a new driver’s license doesn’t have an Expires On date. It has a Renew If You Haven’t Expired On date.
Can you people that don’t use your own picture for an avi stop flirting for crying out loud a lighthouse hit on me this morning!
‘They always talk to me like I’m an idiot.’
~dogs in therapy
Wife: you’ve been a naughty boy *peels off clothes* You need to be punished
Me: yes, I do!
Wife: do the laundry
Penguins are always dressed in formalwear because they often need to go to court to answer for their terrible crimes
My ex claimed I had a ‘hero’ complex, but whatever I think wearing my underwear on the outside of my pants is a bold & brave fashion choice
*two turtles strapping themselves to a sleeping cheetah*
Just you wait, Carl! This is gonna be awesome!
I’m not ashamed to say I will never be mature enough to help with school projects about Uranus.
Interviewer: what makes you qualified for the janitor position?
Me: I used to be on the curling team in college.