A great white shark is just a normal shark with khakis and a high credit score.
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Hi, I’m a fruit fly that could live here undetected, but, no, I’m gonna fly in this lady’s face til she makes it her mission to destroy me.
rooster: sorry totally overslept lol you weren’t late for anything important were you
fourth wiseman:
We took the animals for a walk and saw a sign: ‘Dogging area, please control your animal and pick up their faces…’
I just figured out the name of a song that had been stuck in my head for a month, and it felt like dislodging a popcorn kernel the size of a ping pong ball from my teeth.
There is nothing like the sound of a child’s laughter to remind you that your apartment is haunted.
Don’t put up a tire swing unless you hunted and killed that car yourself. Show some respect.
Before marriage: fantasizes spending life together.
After marriage: fantasizes spending life insurance alone.
Spoil any movie by telling ur friend “Ice Cube dies” before they watch it. They’ll be waiting for Ice Cube to appear and die the whole time
I WANNA STOP DRINKING‼️ but I realized the owner of the liquor store got a family to feed! last thing ima do is let them kids be hungry 😞
“Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.”
– Mark Twain
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
My lawn care company sent me an email saying, “We like to feed it before we seed it,” and I was like damn, they stole my game.
Me *writing*: she was like 12 slices of key lime pie in a dress- tart, cool, totally whipped.
Her: I can hear you.
Me: she could hear me
Feel. He’s so soft.
I drink expresso irregardless of the time, because, for all intensive purposes, its good for my sole. Also, it keeps my brain alot sharper.
Man, those guys in the Cialis commercial sure are charmed by their wives’ approximations of human behavior
me: i have good and bad news
her: bad first
me: there’s a dead body in the woods near the train tracks
her: what’s the good news
me: i found waldo
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: I’m good at untying knots
INTERVIEWER: oh thank god can u get these running shoes off of me?
Good Cop: [stares]
Bad Cop: [stares]
The abyss: You get nothing from me until my lawyer gets here. Nothing.
[Battleship: Guilt Edition]
Friend: B6
Me: You sunk my Battleship
Friend: Hah yes!
Me: But 70 people were on the ship. They had children
Hey girl, are you a check engine light? ‘Cause I’m not sure what you’re trying to tell me but I have a feeling you’re going to ruin my day.
I was getting mad in traffic earlier and my 3-year-old said “all you can do is calm down and let the cars go” and now I have a therapist.
Me, at the arby’s drive-thru: i didn’t hear you, can you repeat that?
arby’s cashier: {yelling} can you turn your police siren off?!
Muffled whimpers, moaning, panting…
…it’s just me, taking the stairs
Co-worker playfully snapped my suspenders and now everyone in the office knows my safe word.
If I were on trial I would wear Crocs.
The prosecutor would be all, like, “whoa, that dude’s been defending himself his whole life.”
My family has been giving each other the same eight gift bags since 1973.
mom: brush your teeth and put on your pajamas
me: mom i’m a grown man. i don’t need u telling me how to get ready for story time.
It’s okay to get rid of the boxes for the electronic thing you’ve had for the past four years
Why’d they call it “The Empire Strikes Back” and not “Cool Hand, Luke”?