A gritty reboot of basketball where we find out all the players’ moms were murdered by circles and that’s why they throw rocks at one.
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Me, making a pediatrician appt for my 5yo son.
Receptionist: “What’s his birth year?”
Me: “17”
Them: “2017 or….?”
Me: “Oh yes. 2017.”
In my head: No, 1817. We’ll make the arduous journey to your office in our covered wagon.
You can literally say “the night is young” at any time of day or night. Nobody is policing this.
“Living well is the best revenge.”
Alexa, what is the second best revenge?
Wife: “I’m tired of you endlessly misquoting Arnold Schwarzenegger films. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “You’ll be back.”
[meeting]
DIRECTOR: I want amazing CGI
PRODUCER: Yes!
D: A huge cast
P: Agreed!
D: Realistic family photos
P: We don’t have the budget
GUY VISITING FROM THE SUN: This weather isn’t hot
If you need me, I’ll be right here for the next 35 years while my 4yo picks out a bedtime story to read
I’m like …if parking too far away from the curb was a person.
Just congratulated my ex on dating someone so young that her Throwback Thursday photos are just pictures of her pregnant mom. I’m a dream.
Jewish friend asked me a very funny legal question: “Can you break your Ramadan fast during the eclipse since technically it gets dark?” I had to hand it to him, I didn’t think of that 😂😎🌞🌆
so who’s the alpha in your relationship ?
me:
taco:
me:
taco:
me: he’s shy.
Saw a bunch of people wearing red and I assumed they were Chiefs fans and I started cursing them out and long story short I am now banned from this Target..
*couple walking through the house they just bought*
Husband: Hey, honey, there’s an attic!
Wife: Really?
H: *peering into attic with a flashlight* There’s dust everywhere, except on that creepy Victorian doll staring at me.
*later*
Friend: Is there an attic?
Husband: No.
Say what you will about the Grinch, but having garlic in your soul and living alone with a dog sounds pretty damn great to me.
You should be able to twist the bottom of the pringles can to bring the chips to the top like a chapstick.
My husband got me Alexa for Christmas, like I need another person in the house claiming they didn’t hear me.
A dashcam video of a cop lip-syncing and dancing to a Taylor Swift song went viral, which is just one more reason to hate the police.
Finishing a book is like saying goodbye to an old friend. Finishing a show you binge-watched is like staggering out of a motel where you’ve been holed up for 24 hours with someone you met while trying to score crack.
[parent-teacher conference]
Teacher: Which kid is yours?
Me: I don’t have kids. I just heard the teachers here are hot.
T:
M: How you doin’?
The indescribable pain of having a client read off the options they see under “Settings.”
Everybody always says never go to bed angry, but nobody told my husband never let your wife go to Target angry. He learned this the hard way.
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat mate.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
If I’m ever feeling lost and alone, I know the second I shove way too much food in my mouth, people will miraculously pop out of nowhere.
After I spent my entire one on one with my boss talking about my love of serial killer documentaries, he suddenly stopped micromanaging me so much… weird.
Memories are a bit fuzzy — but regrets? They’re in 8K and Dolby Vision.
Roses are red
Violets are blue…
[first day as a 911 operator]
me: nine hundred and eleven what is your emergency
Me: Hi, thanks for meeting with me. Oh is it pronounced Caroline or Carolynn?
Her: anything is fine
Me: ……..ok Sarah, let’s get started.
Does anybody want a cat? Free to a good or average home
Just overheard my 6-year-old son ask Alexa, “Alexa, is there anyone my dad could beat up?”