1. Get preg
2. Transfer ur soul to fetus using
Satanic alchemy
3. Give birth to yourself
4. Old body dies
5. Be a baby
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[marital relations]
My husband: Hey, want to————-
Me, interrupting: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
The FBI’s terrorist hotline is not a place to chat with hot terrorists. I know that now.
Wonder why my son doesn’t want me to walk him to the bus stop?
Maybe I’d better unhook one of the straps on my overalls like the cool kids.
[interview]
“Any special talents?”
I can unlock any fingerprint reader
“By hacking?”
[flashes back to hacking off victims’ fingers] Yes
Ever tried to pinch a dried yogurt smear off your black leggings and watched in horror as a cloud of dust floated off of them?
Me either. That’d be gross.
Her: What’s that account pin again?
Me: 051598
Her: Our wedding anniversary?
Me: Yes…they recommended for security purposes that I pick a number that’s insignificant.
Her:
Me: (immediately starts vacuuming)
Me: hey girl r u an earthquake
Her: aw bc I rock ur world?
Me: no bc your unpredictability threatens the entire foundation of my existence
We Didn’t Start the Fire is a great song for many reasons, but one of the most underrated is, like all great history projects, it starts off super detailed & thorough until you realize it’s due the next day & you end up condensing 1963-1989 into like two stanzas
[judging dog show]
DOG: [barks]
ME: [ticks clipboard] This one’s working fine
AUDIENCE MEMBER: You have misunderstood what’s required of you
When my phone rings, I stay very, very still. If I don’t move, it can’t see me.
“I just want a guy that makes me laugh”
*makes her laugh*
“Not you.”
CTRL + C and CTRL + V another window
I want rich people’s problems like government denying the permission of landing my chopper on my mansion.
Still trying to convince my boss that I’m just using beer-flavoured toothpaste.
I would actually consider watching The Bachelor if one of the girls was a Praying Mantis.
*Makes bacon
*Eats one piece
*2 pieces
*3 pieces
*Eats all the bacon
*Hides the evidence9: Yummm! What’s that smell?
Me: Cereal
Having your stuff stolen is the heist form of flattery
According to my laptop, my New Year’s resolution is 1680 x 1050.
Sometimes, even I can’t tell if I’m being sarcastic or if I’m really just a bitch.
Me: this doesn’t seem right
Dentist: u know on tv when they say 9/10 dentists
M: yeah
D: im the one
*he resumes hitting my teeth w/ a comb*
Giving someone wind chimes is a nice way of saying “I didn’t want these wind chimes anymore.”
Jeff Bezos inches closer to becoming Pitbull
ME: *looks up from tarot card* So is Death laughing at a smoldering corpse a good thing?
PSYCHIC: *wide-eyed* At this point, I don’t know.
*jurassic park meeting
CEO: We’ve suffered minor setbacks with grisly deaths; the destruction of the entire island; and billion dollar lawsuits. So I want some outside the box thinking on how to go forward.
Suit: We could build another park…
*long silence
CEO: Genius.
Monsters under the bed lose their scariness when my own bed tries to make waffles out of me.
Extra virgin olive oil is just olive oil who got dating advice from me.
Avoid extra tasks by throwing distraction doughnuts at work
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
Reporter: He was strangled by a loved one
My Murderer: Whoa, love is a strong word