@sarcasm_inc

A group of chimpanzees walking out of a Banana Republic is called “disappointed”
Except for Charlie there, who scored a nice sundress.

You Might Also Like

@wsforbes

I miss you… then I eat something and it goes away…

@torrami

Alcohol is the leading cause of me getting yelled at for being a pterodactyl on the coffee table.

@sarcasticmommy4

Took my kids out to dinner & was quickly reminded why I never take them out to dinner.

@Karate_Horse

[loud speaker]
“Hi shoppers I see a lot of confused guys with mustaches. we’ve moved the Hawaiian shirt section next to the pleated jorts”

@MarfSalvador

[in line at store]
her: oh no I don’t have enough money
me: hey hey [touches her hand] put your wallet away
her: are you sure?
me: yeah, it’s hideous

@adult_mom

I turned off the TV today and made my kids play board games like it was 1955 and now I know why all of our grandparents were alcoholics

@daddydoubts

Wife: how’s potty training been today?

Me: he peed twice!

Wife: that’s great!

Me: *covered in piss* no, it’s not.

@JohnLyonTweets

[first date]

Her: I broke up with my last boyfriend because he was so intense, I felt smothered.

Me: [trying to impress]: I haven’t even bothered to learn your name.