HEY UNCLES – KEEP YOUR GODDAMN WIVES UNDER CONTROL
A group of chimpanzees walking out of a Banana Republic is called “disappointed”
Except for Charlie there, who scored a nice sundress.
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I miss you… then I eat something and it goes away…
Alcohol is the leading cause of me getting yelled at for being a pterodactyl on the coffee table.
Took my kids out to dinner & was quickly reminded why I never take them out to dinner.
“Hi shoppers I see a lot of confused guys with mustaches. we’ve moved the Hawaiian shirt section next to the pleated jorts”
[in line at store]
her: oh no I don’t have enough money
me: hey hey [touches her hand] put your wallet away
her: are you sure?
me: yeah, it’s hideous
I turned off the TV today and made my kids play board games like it was 1955 and now I know why all of our grandparents were alcoholics
Last night I slept for 6 hours straight then 1 hour gay.
Wife: how’s potty training been today?
Me: he peed twice!
Wife: that’s great!
Me: *covered in piss* no, it’s not.
Her: I broke up with my last boyfriend because he was so intense, I felt smothered.
Me: [trying to impress]: I haven’t even bothered to learn your name.