a group of crows is a murder
a group of crows spaced evenly between two margins is a justified murder
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“And this is my creepy husband, John.”
(The way my friend should introduce her husband)
Jurassic Park, but all of the raptors are played by Jim Carrey.
I used to hate the “Kids on Board” stickers for cars. I now understand they are warning us they will be driving erratically because…you know…KIDS ON BOARD!
Me: Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who’s the …
Mirror: Comb your hair.
I asked my mom how her first date went with a guy she met on eharmony and she said “let’s just say we were physically compatible” and I said “let’s just say fine next time”
Reading your horoscope is just trying to determine your future based on when your parents had sex.
HR: The delivery job is yours.
Me: Great!
HR: Do u have a reliable car?
Me: Yes.
HR: Model?
Me: A little in college. How is that relevant?
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
me: I have a phobia of very large numbers
therapist: I can help u
me: thanks a twelve
My husband says it’s not my chin hairs that embarrass him, it’s how I’m constantly trying to yank them out in public.
[sexting]
He: What are your measurements?
She: 36, 24, 36, 19, 72, 54, 2, 14,
He: WTF
She: I A M T H E K R A K E N
Life advice: If someone ever tells you “I’ll be there in thirty minutes”, you should ALWAYS respond with “You’ve got twenty” and hang up.
Pickled cat.
[ad for florist]
Do you need to get a gift for your wife that requires no thought, but also dies in 4 days?
setting a small grass fire next to my inflatable pool and then asking the firefighters to fill it up while they’re here
once, at a girl scout event in the early 90s, my mom asked a girl what she wanted to be when she grew up & the girl responded “either a chef or a spy, so either way, i’m going to the CIA,” and it’s been 30 years and that’s still one of the best jokes i’ve ever heard in my life.
“It doesn’t matter what you look like on the outside”
ME: Oh thank god
“It’s who you are on the inside”
ME: Dang
10:00: gets in hammock
10:00 to 10:20: relaxes in hammock
10:21 to 11:57: gets out of hammock
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
He stole my heart, so I stole his last name. Is the slogan of a very famous body parts and new ID shop in Mexico.
My wife took me to the most amazing 3D movie I had ever seen last night. Half way through it I realized: we were at a play.
You know what else is crazy?
*googles synonyms for crazy*
I am at my most pretend homemaker when I have a repair person in the house. Who me? Oh I’m just gonna sit here and handsew the trim back on this pillow and when I’m finished with that I’m going to sort my dried flowers for two hours.
Coworker: “How was your weekend?”
Me: “You know, they killed Socrates because he asked too many questions.”
saying “i am bad at this”
-defeatist
-will make you sad
-removes the possibility for improvementsaying “a whale would be impressed by my ability”
-encouraging
-always true because whales don’t even have thumbs and also appreciate effort
-makes you think about whales
That awkward moment when twins realize that one of them was not planned
6, holding a pic of me pregnant with him, “Why are you SO FAT?”
Me, “You’re inside my tummy.”
6, “That’s DISGUSTING.”
Me, “It gets worse..”
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
“What do you mean ‘stuffed'”?
Wife: Our 5yo sure is acting like a grown-up lately
Me: Really?
5yo: *walks in* I can’t remember what I came in here for
Me: omg