kinda sucks that there’s only one day a year it’s acceptable to put on a diaper and shoot arrows at people
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You should be allowed to take your own food to KFC and have them kentucky fry it for you.
Mad cow disease wears off and eventually you’re just tired with a cow disease.
Me: Look to my left.
Friend: We’re facing the same way. Why don’t you say our left?
Me: I don’t like to share.
If you love someone don’t do anything. Just wait, see what happens. Maybe it will go away
When I was in court I heard a Magistrate singing some Ed Sheeran, so I hired him for my Wedding.
But at the ceremony he did his own material and was terrible.
Which goes to show, you should never Book a Judge by his Covers.
@IGotsSmarts @funTweeters & wouldn’t it be crude to Jude if someone laid Law?
“Lord, can I have a pony?” Sure. Just as soon as I get a prayer from a pony asking for a little girl with no clue how to take care of it.
I told my son, age 11, to clean his room. He’s 22 now. Will it ever happen?
ok but this should absolutely be the only acceptable method now
Keep microwaving fish in the office and stop wondering why you never get a desk by the windows.
My ex says he’s dating someone new but according to his Instagram she’s a sandwich
Settle down, school picture day packages. I don’t need a body pillow with my son’s face embroidered on it for $400.
[halftime]
Coach: Okay men we’re literally losing at basketball to a dog… any ideas?
-I have one.
*pulls out vacuum with a jersey on*
*chasing after a rooster* give me your cool hat
They invented the word metallic, because irony was already taken.
ruin Thanksgiving for everyone with a detailed description of how you prepared the turkey
[my first attempt at standup]
ME: So, I was at the gym the other day…
MY STALKER (from the back): lol no you weren’t
My 3yo isn’t very original when it comes to naming his stuffed animals… Kitty, Brown Bear, Bunny, etc. So why should I be surprised he named the turtle “Turdy?”
Just saw my parents having sex. That’s the last time I go onto that website.
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
None of the parenting books prepared me for my teen asking me what “the carpet matches the drapes” means.
The most I’ve ever spent on a bottle of wine is about 45 minutes
I thought 2020 was just going to be a bunch of bad eyesight jokes but no it’s much worse
Spice up your marriage by slamming doors sometimes when you’re not even angry.
Why isn’t “long weekend” simply written as weeeeekend?
me: Why is Spider Man in the freezer?
7 year old: He knows why
Cop: Ma’am, I pulled you over today because you were going 45 in a 35 mile zone.
Me: I’ve been driving 45 on this road for ten years and I’ve never gotten a ticket.
(Silence) You’re going to give me a ticket, aren’t you?
Cop: I kinda think I have to now.
My husband says I never do anything, so I just cleaned out our bank account.
*gf making spaghetti*
Me: can I get a side of garlic clove with my garlic bread?
Gf: that’s it. You’re not gettin’ any tonight!
Me: sex or clove?? Please say sex, I really need that clove..
[inventing the toaster]
engineer: Ok it burns the bread if you put it at 4
chief engineer: perfect. Make it go up to 8