A group of crows is called a murder. A group of people walking slowly in front of me at the store is called a motive.
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My baby reminds me of Freddy Kruger: he’s got long, sharp fingernails, is most terrifying at night, and forces you to survive on no sleep.
MOCKINGBIRD: Blah blah blah! Harper Lee is an idiot!
HARPER LEE: I just had a great idea for a book.
They say, “stain proof,” I say “challenge accepted.”
[Day 1 of the Olympics]
Me: I really liked that twisty turny thing he did[Day 10 of the Olympics]
Me: his quad toe loop was a bit under roatated don’t you think Johnny?
Johnny Weir: you’re not allowed in here
My neighbor keeps going fly fishing, but every time he comes back with just a bunch of fish. Those flies are crafty and whatnot.
KANGAROO(tasting beer) *sips* This is too hoppy for me
[BrewMaster] I thought youd love “hoppy” beer lol
[Kangaroo] (sternly) That’s racist
[Friday 5pm]
Me: *shutting down computer*
Computer: have a good weekend 🙂
[Monday 8am]
Me: omg you’re still on
Computer: *shaking from exhaustion* would u like to save this
Me: *licks the guy next to me*
Guy: *jumps up*
What the hell lady?!
Me: Whoa, whoa…I’m not the one walking around smelling like ham!
I need to stay off WebMD. Every time I look something up, I’m like, “Oh look. I’m dead already.”
What about “BusinessMyspace”? Nah, it’s taken. Okay, what about “LinkedIn”?
People are like plastic bags: Some are meant to fly, some have holes — but are still useful — and, well, others are full of dog shit.
The next time there’s an awkward silence, try whispering, “Did you forget your line?”
Adoption agency: so did you have any specific ideas of who you want to adopt? Age? Gender?
Dave Seville: do you have three anthropomorphic chipmunks?
Nothing’s more important than family, particularly if your kidneys are starting to fail.
Old men’s pants creep higher & higher up their waist into their armpits.
At the end of their lives they’re just a pair of pants with a head.
Mood: Shredding documents but realizing I didn’t double check if they were the correct ones and now frantically searching for the Undo button on the shredder
The first step when putting on a fitted sheet is, nope, it goes the other way.
*gazing up at stars*
Her (whispering): is that the Big Dipper?
Me (a barista): actually the technical term for it is Venti Dipper
*At animal group therapy*
Moderator: introduce yourselves please
Fruit bat: I’m a bat that eats fruit …
Honey bear: I’m a bear that eats honey…
Sperm whale: do we have to do this?
Who do atheists pray to when figuring out their child’s online school schedule?
Taking my winter tires off but not putting my summer tires back on. I’m done with the tire bullshit.
Walking up to guys with girls with them and saying “you never called! Our son is 5 now” then walk away….always brightens my day
ME: *staring into my lover’s eyes in the midst of a warm embrace*
HER: What are you thinking?
ME: *caressing her cheek* I forgot your name.
[Driving back from the petting farm]
5: They didn’t have duckies this time, but they had baby pigs!
[remembering the Smuggled Duckiling Incident from months earlier, I slam on brakes]
Me: IS THERE A BABY PIG IN THIS CAR
in a really good place right now!! (ordered something off the sandwich menu and it turned out to be a “toast” and i almost started crying)
The Beatles: 🎶 lend me your ears and I’ll sing you a song
Van Gogh: here you go
I miss lying to closest friends about where i am on my transit journey
Cats can use their whiskers to navigate in the dark. I use my toes. And shins. And lots of cursing.
Alanis Morissette sings about having 10,000 spoons when all she needs is a knife. And nobody asks why she has 10,000 spoons?