A group of eavesdroppers is called a heard.
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[Police Line up]
Cop: Please point to the one who cut your arms off
Me:
Somewhere out there, there must be a toddler who has eaten all of their dinner after only being asked once. I want to believe.
The man next to me has cologne so strong that I’m dizzy with hallucinations, plus all those mushrooms I took.
I HAVE DECIDED TO MAKE A CONSCIOUS DECISION NOT TO HAVE MY MIND “BLOWN” ANYMORE. IF DINOSAURS COME BACK & I SEE ONE I’LL JUST BE LIKE “GOOD”
describing stardew valley
I use awkward numerical range description anywhere between 13 and 4 times a day.
“dance like no one is watching, walk like someone is behind you trying to get around you.” – ancient nyc proverb
“You know I love that thick bottom” – me, telling my coworker about the new frying pan I got over the weekend
The guy I use for odd jobs around the house is amazing; in the last month alone he’s repaired a leaky roof, fixed a broken gate, retiled the bathroom and according to the wife it was him that somehow reversed my vasectomy, too!
Your birth certificate is your very first participation trophy.
Westboro Baptist Church Founder Fred Phelps Dies At 84.Who wants to protest a funeral?
The 6yo told my husband to be a dear, which seemed weirdly old-fashioned until I realized it was deer and he wanted to attack him with a toy cheetah
Sorry I haven’t tweeted in a couple of days. My kid followed me from room to room making really obnoxious whale noises and I feel like I’ve gotten a taste of my own medicine
When my sweet baby daughter said “mama” for the first time, I never imagined that 11 years later, she’d be calling me “bro” on a regular basis.
Your personality finally matches your looks. That’s not a compliment.
If I had known what cleaning a toilet is like with a husband and two sons I would’ve become a lesbian.
My daughter stole and lost my good brow tweezers, and the only good thing is that now when I yell at her about it my brows look extra angry.
Me: alright early to bed
Brain: nice
Me: need a good night sleep
Brain: rest is important
Me: don’t go saying shit to keep me awake all night
Brain: I won’t
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: you still awake?
Brain: my guy if you’re awake I’m awake we been thru this
Today is going to be a good day. I can feel it.
*finds there’s no coffee*
{Mood swing in 3…2…1…}
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
[baby finally falls asleep]
ME: *tip toes to couch* I can finally relax
DOG: I’M GONNA BARK FOR NO REASON
You would think with the whole “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” that there would be more body builders walking around.
her: i hate ultimatums
me (thought she said “old tomatoes”): well i love them, so time to decide. it’s them or me.
Woke up screaming this morning. My apologies to everyone in the meeting.
I wonder if Captain America ever borrows money from Captain China.
ME: hello I’d like to return this body. it’s defective.
GOD: I’m sorry but your warranty has expired
I don’t have an inner child. I have an inner old person who wants everyone to shut up.
lawyer: mr bond your ex-wife just needs to sign the divorce papers
wife: anyone have a pen?
james bond: here you go. make sure you click it 3 times.
w: thanks…why 3 times?
jb: its an old pen
w: its a bomb isnt it!?!
jb: *from outside* ₜₒₜₐₗₗᵧ ₙₒₜ ₐ ᵦₒₘᵦ
I just realized my 5-year-old has been stressed because he thought that a “trim around the ears” meant that we were going to take him upstairs and cut his ears off.