Saw a bumper sticker today that said Choose Life. I can think of 10 other cereals I’d choose first.
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me, to my wife: calm down and smile more
Stockbroker: *rubbing bridge of nose* that’s not what I meant by ‘take risks’
ME: it’s 69 degrees in france
FRIEND: nice
ME: no paris
My wife and I tried to play COD multiplayer yesterday. Shot her in the head while she was still trying to figure out the controls and now she made breakfast for only herself and the kids.
I’m going to start using Twitter like Google, because I need answers to tough questions.
Are pepperoni and Rice-a-Roni related?
My husband just asked me in the kindest voice if I wanted some water, and I said, “You know, I’d love some water?” And I turned around and he was carrying the dog’s water bowl to her….(Reader, he was not asking me if I wanted water.)
I have the body of a 21 year old bodybuilder. Can I borrow a shovel?
when my daughter asks me how much more dinner she needs to eat to get dessert i like to answer in abstract quantities like ‘the average weight of joy’ or ‘seven sunsets’ to teach her that life often doesn’t make sense and also quit sassing me and eat your peas, kid.
A super villain who foils all your plots, but your plots are just lasagnas and he makes them cook super unevenly.
Being an adult is like being in a Quentin Tarantino movie. It starts off real cool, there’s a lot of cussing, it’s very confusing, everyone dies.
When you wave your hand under automatic soap dispenser for 45 seconds and nothing, then it dispenses the minute you switch to the next one.
OMG, he’s almost here.
How’s my hair?
My clothes?
How do I look?(knock, knock)
He’s here!!!!
I’m so excited!*My pizza delivery guy.
(1st day in heaven)
Me: Whoa- is that Elvis?
Angel- no, it’s an impersonator
M: Wow, is that…
A: listen man all we got is impersonators
Me: I’m hot.
Husband: *turns on AC*
Me: I’m cold.
H: *turns off AC*
Me: I’m hot.
H: *jumps out of car*
[Zoom call]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: [going to the bathroom]
Boss: Can you hear me?
Me: [getting another beer]
Boss: I think he’s on mute.
Me: [getting chips]
Boss: Hello?
Me: sorry I was on mute
[buying house plants] hey wanna come back to my place and die
Nothing says “I m not interested” quite as loudly as showing up for a date
when steven spielberg was my age he was directing Jaws. meanwhile i am posting stuff like “drunk yoda be like ‘good to drive i am, give me the keys you will'”
They say the camera adds 10 lbs.
Looks like fast food added the other 40.
[bleeding out]
ER Doctor: do you know your blood type?
ME: I’ve never really thought about it TBH. As long as it has a good personality
how about a smoke detector that can tell the difference between me cooking bacon and my house being engulfed in flames
For the record, riding my unicycle to the bank robbery was a terrible idea.
9: I’m writing a book based on a true story.
Me: Make me look good.
9: FINE. I’ll write something else.
You may be little now, but don’t be discouraged. Someday, you’ll be a man just like me.
*baby starts crying*
be careful out there! #FiftyShadesOfGrey
“You are what you eat” I whisper to myself as I pour my dead dog’s ashes into my cat’s food bowl
Don’t drink and drive, also don’t call frozen yogurt “fro yo.”
(At My Funeral)
FRIEND: Of course he found a way to avoid paying me back my $20.
ME: *muted snickering from the casket*
[airport]
GF: I guess this is goodbye
ME: I told you, I’m not very good at goodbyes
GF: [crying] Goodbye
ME: [trying real hard] Hello
I’m trying to break up with this fruit fly but he just won’t go away.
Strangely, this bacon candle doesn’t even taste like bacon.