A group of guys with ponytails is called a flock of Steven Seagulls

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One of my “100 things to do before you die” would definitely be “call an ambulance”.


We brought home a betta fish, and I’ve officially spent more time deciding it’s name than I did naming the kids


HUSBAND: Do we have any cake toppers?

ME: Yes, it’s called frosting.


Boss: I was listening to some Tool on the way to work.

Me: I talk to myself when I’m driving sometimes too, it’s ok.

Boss: Just get out.


“Did it hurt…when you fell from heaven and lost the use of your legs?”–bad pick-up line to use on a handicapped person


My mother, who has never drank or done any drug, is in Amsterdam. So, watch out, Netherlands, someone’s about to respectfully tour the crap out of your windmills.


Medication for depression “may cause thoughts of suicide”. If this were so for all meds then:

Diet Pills..may cause ravenous hunger


mmmm This chocolate speaks my language. Or it would, if it weren’t being eaten. So. I guess it’s probably horrified-screaming my language.


Genie: *facepalm* And your final wish?

Me: To not have Alzheimers anymore

*looks at two lifetime supplies of skittles*

Genie: Probably should have opened with that