A group of guys with ponytails is called a flock of Steven Seagulls
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Taking viagra for my sunburn. Doesn’t cure it but it keeps the sheets off of my legs at night!
You’re a cunt. Maybe that’s why you’re alone.
If I was a pug, nobody would give me funny looks for slobbering in public or eating food off the floor.
If you all vote for Kanye, I’m packing up Canada and moving it to Australia.
Firefighter: This is a list of what was destroyed in the fire
Wife: Are my husband’s Creed’s albums on there?
Firefighter: No
Wife *slides him $20* what about now
I like how impressionistic the French language is. You only have to pronounce half of the letters then you just think about the rest.
Him: I gave up drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
Me: I gave up.
Drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
Whenever you introduce someone, put air quotes around their name.
I want you to meet my friend “Ami”
A haiku to my boss who asked me to work this weekend:
Ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha no
Fact: ants can lift 20 times their body weight, more if a bro is spotting them.
My band in the 80s was the Sex Poodles. We needed Snoop Dogg.
Game of Thrones: Now with 100 percent more zombies! The Walking Dead should fire back by adding kingdoms.
Fox canceled Cops. So I guess if I want to stay current on what my family is up to now, I’ll have to turn to Facebook.
When I learned what calculators did, I immediately cleared the “math” part of my brain to make room for more movie quotes.
My dad lied a lot. I was 17 before I realized the ‘Silver Table Cat’ wasn’t a real species, and that we didn’t own a pet, we owned a toaster
so much to do
[concert venue]
Manager: Start the fog machine!
Me: *gulps* Fog?
*hundreds of frogs start falling on crowd
“Cantaloupe? Or WON’Taloupe?” *SPLAT* Next week on MELON JUSTICE!
*gazing up at stars*
Her (whispering): is that the Big Dipper?
Me (a barista): actually the technical term for it is Venti Dipper
doctor: i’m sorry but you only have a few more years left to live
me: oh my god. you’re lying
doctor *shows me a chart of global warming* i am not
#OddReasonsToCallInSick
I have to give my cat a bath
Me: These eye makeup remover pads are amazing.
Mom: Those are medicated hemorrhoidal pads.
*Lips to mike
Mike: Do I know you?
The new jumper I bought kept picking up static electricity, so I took it back and they exchanged it for another one free of charge.
Dearest wife,
The war on Christmas goes well. We found an elf stronghold & cut off its candy cane supply lines. Last night, they ate Donner.
I just want to hug this out. With my hands around your neck type of hug. What I mean is, I want to strangle you.
A bouncy castle with a low cement ceiling to teach you not to have too much fun
Salesman: That’s our best selling couch.
Me: *sits* *bounces*
Salesman: What do you think?
Me: *grinning* Sofa so good.
Salesman: Please leave.
They say I’m too much of a competitive mom but I think kids need encouragement
I SAID SWEEP THE LEG, LILY!-Ma’am, this is just a bake sale
I deleted all my dating apps and I’m planning to meet a new partner the old fashioned way, necromancy.