@mrtruthandsoul

A group of guys with ponytails is called a flock of Steven Seagulls

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@garrydavenport

One of my “100 things to do before you die” would definitely be “call an ambulance”.

@Chhapiness

We brought home a betta fish, and I’ve officially spent more time deciding it’s name than I did naming the kids

@sixfootcandy

HUSBAND: Do we have any cake toppers?

ME: Yes, it’s called frosting.

@Sal0630

Boss: I was listening to some Tool on the way to work.

Me: I talk to myself when I’m driving sometimes too, it’s ok.

Boss: Just get out.

@jasonmustian

“Did it hurt…when you fell from heaven and lost the use of your legs?”–bad pick-up line to use on a handicapped person

@TheAndrewNadeau

My mother, who has never drank or done any drug, is in Amsterdam. So, watch out, Netherlands, someone’s about to respectfully tour the crap out of your windmills.

@CherBear162

Medication for depression “may cause thoughts of suicide”. If this were so for all meds then:

Diet Pills..may cause ravenous hunger

@VerbsRProudest

mmmm This chocolate speaks my language. Or it would, if it weren’t being eaten. So. I guess it’s probably horrified-screaming my language.

@SvnSxty

Genie: *facepalm* And your final wish?

Me: To not have Alzheimers anymore

*looks at two lifetime supplies of skittles*

Genie: Probably should have opened with that