A group of held hands can raise your spirits.
It’s séance!

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her: babe!

me: wait, I want to word this tweet right

her: BABE!!

me: and send… what was the question?

minister: Do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?


Remember, when you’re driving in the snow, it’s important to speed up and go as fast as you can so you don’t get stuck.


Sometimes Jesus appears on toast, sometimes pancakes, sometimes waffles. Always on breakfast food. Why? It’s the most important meal.


HER: I wish I lived in the 20s
ME: no u dont
HIM: right bc they had no womens rights
M[was going to say bc they didnt have Netflix]: exactly


“Hey, let’s get the guys that built the Obamacare website to update our app!”

– Twitter


[operating room]

NEUROSURGEON: and now is the most delicate part of the surgery, where we remove the fluid that has built up in his brain…

NURSE: *nods to assistant* he’s ready for the rice now


Actions speak louder than words when you smack someone in the back of the head with a shovel


My supervisor said I’m worth my weight in gold so I’m eating these donuts to increase my value.