I’m no longer interested in self-discovery; I’m more interested in self-medication.
A group of held hands can raise your spirits.
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At what point does the dentist stop giving you toothbrushes? Dude, I’m forty. I have one.
My mother-in-law asks my wife to help colour her hair. I make a joke about assisted dyeing and they both stare at me. Tough crowd.
In the old days when people knocked on the door, you could hide. Now you have to disconnect from internet and turn off cell phones.
ME: Table…table doesn’t look great
JESUS: Through me you will have eternal life
ME: ok cool but you SPECIFICALLY said you were a carpenter
The monocle was popular in the 1800’s because ears hadn’t been invented yet.
ME: do dogs think we have three mouths because we pick stuff up with our hands?
VET: where exactly is your dog
ME: he’s uh coming later
Duct tape can’t fix stupidity, but it can muffle it.
People say you can’t avoid death but I’ve been doing it all my life.
Fred: let’s settle this once and for all!
*fred rips my face away revealing bloody skull*
Velma: he wasn’t wearing a mask!
Fred: I know.