A group of held hands can raise your spirits.
It’s séance!
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I was on my couch and my 5YO came up and put his arms around my waist. I was smiling like a fool until I realized he was looking for the remote control I was sitting on.
a lot of people think Rob is short for Robert, but it’s actually short for ‘Burglary’
Me: How do I let someone know that I like them?
Her: Always start with eye contact
Me: *Pokes her in the eyes Three Stooges style*
Keep your friends close and your unattractive enemies closer so you look better by comparison in pictures.
I just got really sad thinking about Voldemort trying to enjoy a nice day at the beach but his sunglasses won’t stay on his face
My organic chemistry class was at 7am and the teacher stressed how important it was for us to get enough sleep… so I slept in class.
Ice cream is clearly God’s way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.
[looking at wife’s tombstone]
today would’ve been our anniversary
*falls to knees*
why did I pre-buy her tombstone causing her to divorce me
detective: where’s that footage from the silo robbery?
me: i deleted it.
detective: why?
me: it was all grainy.
Instead of a hot girl summer I’m having a Tony Soprano summer where I eat mortadella and pasta, wear my robe all day, and go to therapy
I need to stop asking ppl who wants to do an activity with me on my close friends story because 12 people said they wanted to go to this museum and now I have to make 11 people mad
Every time I see someone getting a mud bath I assume they’re hiding from The Predator.
Told 4 about a link where astronauts were reading stories in space for kids to watch.
“That’s a terrible idea!” she says. “They shouldn’t be reading while they’re driving!”
me: turns out a butterfly net can catch anything if it’s the right size
wife: is that danny devito
Love seeing my kids’ faces when we go for ice cream and I order a single scoop of butter pecan. They’re like dang, dad even makes ice cream lame.
*ninja group therapy
Therapist: Nobody showed up *again*?!
Not gonna lie, I’m pretty proud of this one.
Where’s a careening bus when you need it?
2:10 – perfect popcorn
2:13 – firefighters on scene
[group therapy]
“I always feel unnoticed”
NINJA: I hear ya
CHAMELEON: Same
GUY WITH CAMOUFLAGE PANTS: It’s like we’re all soulmates
A sex boycott sounds fun and all but have you ever tried marriage?
before coffee: don’t talk to me
after coffee: please don’t talk to me
The U.S. Army developed a pizza that stays good for 3 years. Finally, those billions in military spending paid off. Your move, Al Qaeda.
A lot of people are mad that I broke into the zoo and dyed all the bears white. It’s polarizing.
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
this guy in South Dakota left his pickup sitting for four days. You know it’s the pandemic. In that time a family of Red Squirrels picked apples from a nearby tree and stored em in his engine and wheel compartment. There are another 1 1/2 to 2 buckets in the wheel wells!!
I like to stand by the side of the motorway holding a sign that says “If you were me, you’d be here now.”
I swear we are fighting two pandemics
Covid 19 and Stupidity
I stopped experimenting in bed after the great honey disaster of 2015.