@E_lok44

A group of held hands can raise your spirits.
It’s séance!

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@CandyEmpires

I’m no longer interested in self-discovery; I’m more interested in self-medication.

@juliussharpe

At what point does the dentist stop giving you toothbrushes? Dude, I’m forty. I have one.

@mrnickharvey

My mother-in-law asks my wife to help colour her hair. I make a joke about assisted dyeing and they both stare at me. Tough crowd.

@shawnspree

In the old days when people knocked on the door, you could hide. Now you have to disconnect from internet and turn off cell phones.

@TheAndrewNadeau

ME: Table…table doesn’t look great
JESUS: Through me you will have eternal life
ME: ok cool but you SPECIFICALLY said you were a carpenter

@mela_shea

The monocle was popular in the 1800’s because ears hadn’t been invented yet.

@MelKassel

ME: do dogs think we have three mouths because we pick stuff up with our hands?
VET: where exactly is your dog
ME: he’s uh coming later

@JPLFR80

People say you can’t avoid death but I’ve been doing it all my life.

@BarndogKarck

Fred: let’s settle this once and for all!
*fred rips my face away revealing bloody skull*
Velma: he wasn’t wearing a mask!
Fred: I know.