@IamJackBoot

A group of owls is called a flight of stares.

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@manfishj

I hope the guy who invented Autocorrect burns in hello!!

@anniealone23

Sometimes I walk around my apartment naked with the windows open. Just in case my neighbors need a good cry.

@PencilWalrus

A flamingo in the streets and a lion in the sheets and a kangaroo at Target and I think Carl forgot to lock up the zoo last night.

@iGreenGod

I fell in love with a female electrician.

…She was a real live wire and i took her ohm with me.

@hermanntrude

Nerdy trick. Impress your friends by taking cube roots in your head

Step 1: memorise the following:

1³=1
2³=8
3³=27
4³=64
5³=125
6³=216
7³=343
8³=512
9³=729

Step 2: get a friend to take a calculator and enter a 2 digit number and then cube that number and tell you the answer

@RoosterMustache

DATE: *gets in car*

ME: hi *starts driving*

DATE: how’s it going?

ME: first, gas is sparked in the combustion chamber to push the pistons

@heysarahsweeney

Me pre-milkshake: Oohh! I’m gonna have a milkshake!
Me post-milkshake: I feel like hell and wish I were dead.