A group of owls is called a flight of stares.

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[my boss sees me get hit by a car in the parking lot] make sure you bring a doctor’s note if you’re gonna be late


The eyes are the window to the soul which is why I’m throwing pebbles at your face.


If you call pooping ‘taking a dumpling’ it’s too cute for people to care where you did it


MISSING: 5 year old

LAST SEEN: Moments after I said, “Bath time.”

DESCRIPTION: Naked, sporting 20-23 Spider-Man band-aids


When my kid was 6 he told his teacher to call him Big Casino. His teacher called and asked if we knew why. I told her to take it up with Big Casino.


why would old man skeletor wait until the 3rd period of the final game to introduce new uniforms to the team you’re a stupid old man


A cop pulled me over and said ‘papers’ I said ‘scissors’ and drove off. I win.


*paying $40 to go into a haunted house*
finally a peaceful refuge to get away from how scary the world is right now


just heard a 19-year-old talk about how ‘exhausted’ they were please send bail money