I hope the guy who invented Autocorrect burns in hello!!
A group of owls is called a flight of stares.
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Sometimes I walk around my apartment naked with the windows open. Just in case my neighbors need a good cry.
I only shop at yard sales for haunted family heirlooms & lingerie.
A flamingo in the streets and a lion in the sheets and a kangaroo at Target and I think Carl forgot to lock up the zoo last night.
I fell in love with a female electrician.
…She was a real live wire and i took her ohm with me.
Nerdy trick. Impress your friends by taking cube roots in your head
Step 1: memorise the following:
Step 2: get a friend to take a calculator and enter a 2 digit number and then cube that number and tell you the answer
DATE: *gets in car*
ME: hi *starts driving*
DATE: how’s it going?
ME: first, gas is sparked in the combustion chamber to push the pistons
IT WANT DIE
Me pre-milkshake: Oohh! I’m gonna have a milkshake!
Me post-milkshake: I feel like hell and wish I were dead.