@IamJackBoot

A group of owls is called a flight of stares.

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@CornOnTheGoblin

[my boss sees me get hit by a car in the parking lot] make sure you bring a doctor’s note if you’re gonna be late

@JermHimselfish

The eyes are the window to the soul which is why I’m throwing pebbles at your face.

@ShortSleeveSuit

If you call pooping ‘taking a dumpling’ it’s too cute for people to care where you did it

@Brianhopecomedy

MISSING: 5 year old

LAST SEEN: Moments after I said, “Bath time.”

DESCRIPTION: Naked, sporting 20-23 Spider-Man band-aids

@thumbhook

When my kid was 6 he told his teacher to call him Big Casino. His teacher called and asked if we knew why. I told her to take it up with Big Casino.

@itsa_talia

why would old man skeletor wait until the 3rd period of the final game to introduce new uniforms to the team you’re a stupid old man

@Bmittone

A cop pulled me over and said ‘papers’ I said ‘scissors’ and drove off. I win.

@jonnysun

*paying $40 to go into a haunted house*
finally a peaceful refuge to get away from how scary the world is right now

@millercycle

just heard a 19-year-old talk about how ‘exhausted’ they were please send bail money