[bill gates house]
Bill: What’s on at the cinema?
Wife: Let me google it and-
*terrified look at bill*
Wife: Let me bing it and see.
A group of toddlers is called a migraine
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Any other ladies having their period during this Friday the 13th Full Moon want to meet up and combine powers? I’ll bring a salad.
Do not squander your short time on earth acquiring worldly possessions. Instead, try to get laid a lot.
I haven’t had a good nights sleep since I started wondering what holds up those blocks in Mario.
her: did u bring protection
her: where is it
me: hey Frank
[voice from under bed] yeah boss?
Me: I’m just feeling really overwhelmed right now by your constant need for my attention. And you’re being like super pushy and needy and, I mean, I’m sorry if you feel rejected or whatever but like this is something you need to work on without me. Ok?
Bill collector: Um.
Star Wars spoiler:
Leia is Han’s father
Born on February 29th of a leap year, I can’t legally drink till I’m 84.
Well, Clarice, have the lambs stopped screaming?
~ Hannibal Lecter discovers text messages
I saw a sign that said FREE PUPPIES. I don’t know what crime they’re accused of, but I sure hope they get a fair trial.