A group of toddlers is called a migraine
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WIFE: Don’t go into the ball pit with the kids. You always lose your keys.
ME: *already in the ball pit* You’re not going to believe this.
Me: I can’t believe I’m only discovering Fleetwood Mac now.
Girlfriend: I’ve heard Rumours
Me: No, it’s true Sandra. They’re an actual band.
PRIEST: Is there any reason these two shouldn’t be wed?
ME: *from the back* SHE HOLDS ONTO CHECKS FOR MONTHS & THEN CASHES THEM UNEXPECTEDLY
BREAKING: Scientists send teen girl back in time to report on WWII. “Hitler’s haircut is literally the worst,” she writes. “Also he’s mean.”
me: just tell me what to do
universe: *gives me a clear sign*
me: well that could be for anybody
Every house has this drawer
It’s all fun and games until you accidentally stab a space monk
Plot twist. When giving birth, women can finally understand how it feels like for a man to have a headache.
If you really loved me, you’d punch bumblebees, buy me a pot belly pig and wash my Jeep with your ferret.
Saying it, is just words.
millipede mobster [raising guns]: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND
“So he tells me he’s been grounded, and I says to him… I says Hank, it’s probably because of your bad altitude!”
I failed at chemistry in high school…
And finally started dating in college.
I should start carrying a pool noodle in my car and randomly smack cars when stuck in traffic
John Lennon: Lucy in the sky with diamonds!
Friend: *sighing* that- that’s not how Clue works
Bruce Banner is a genius scientist and he still can’t figure out how to make stretchy clothes?
I’m never asking a man to buy me tampons again
Yesterday I watched a YouTube tutorial on how to install a chandelier.
Today I’m watching a YouTube tutorial on how to clean up after a chandelier fire.
It’s like my Mom always said FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW:
“Dog Detective, how can I help you?”
MY PERSON THREW THE BALL AND I CAN’T FIND IT
“Did you check his hand?”
NO HE THREW IT ALR… oh wait
I would watch Real Housewives if it was like Game of Thrones and they would occasionally and suddenly behead one of the main characters.
*signing sign in sheet*
(to myself): This will be worth a lot once I’m famous.
Hospital Nurse: Alright let’s get that pea out of your ear.
ME, my last day as a doctor: Sir, your sugar is dangerously high. You need to eat less… *checking the notes on my hand*… crabs.
I asked my wife how to turn Alexa off. She said, I don’t know, have you tried walking through the room naked?
Donald Trump’s chief speechwriter is a random deck from Cards Against Humanity.
My dog takes great offense to the fact that we have neighbors
Do you people like your catfish battered and deep fried?
The entire premise of Scooby Doo was if you’re scary enough people will leave you the hell alone to pursue your passion. It’s been a guiding principle of my adult life.
if i was gandalf, i absolutely wouldn’t make four tiny little shoeless bumpkin boys a core part of my crack team to defeat a goblin mega-hitler, but it worked so fair play to him
My mother’s maiden name is Password.