Too much insomnia causes caffeine.
A group of wild dads just ran into my back yard, built a shed, filled it with tools and told me not to touch any of them or I’d be grounded.
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As we debated who would win between Vader and Gandalf, we suddenly realized our dates had left
I wonder if those Gmail password hackers know how much my dog hates having to learn a new name.
I refuse to eat spaghetti in front of someone new until I’m sure that our relationship can survive the spectacle
1.Never be afraid to say what’s on your mind
2.Never be afraid to do what’s on your mind
3.Don’t take life advice on Twitter
GOD: [reviewing solar system] hmm… i’ll give it 5 stars
EARTH: [imediately starts screamig due to masive gravitational pull of 4 new stars]
Kids today with their $50 haircuts. Mom cut our hair & knew two styles: Pete Rose & Charlie Brown.
Alec Baldwin always sounds like he’s trying to have an intense conversation in a public library.
Henry VIII: jeez walmart is out of cards, flowers and chocolate. She’s going to kill me! Unless…
help keep the English language alive by teaching your kids nearly outdated expressions
Plus nothing beats a 5yo pointing & yelling “BEHOLD!”