A group of wild dads just ran into my back yard, built a shed, filled it with tools and told me not to touch any of them or I’d be grounded.

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As we debated who would win between Vader and Gandalf, we suddenly realized our dates had left


I wonder if those Gmail password hackers know how much my dog hates having to learn a new name.


I refuse to eat spaghetti in front of someone new until I’m sure that our relationship can survive the spectacle


Life advice:
1.Never be afraid to say what’s on your mind
2.Never be afraid to do what’s on your mind
3.Don’t take life advice on Twitter


GOD: [reviewing solar system] hmm… i’ll give it 5 stars
EARTH: [imediately starts screamig due to masive gravitational pull of 4 new stars]


Kids today with their $50 haircuts. Mom cut our hair & knew two styles: Pete Rose & Charlie Brown.


Alec Baldwin always sounds like he’s trying to have an intense conversation in a public library.


[February 12]
Henry VIII: jeez walmart is out of cards, flowers and chocolate. She’s going to kill me! Unless…
[February 13]
beheads wife


help keep the English language alive by teaching your kids nearly outdated expressions
Plus nothing beats a 5yo pointing & yelling “BEHOLD!”