@SlothSlouch

A growing boy needs his lunch, I mumble as I throw another american girl doll into the supermassive black hole that’s slowly devouring my backyard

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@AristotlesNZ

Tech support guy asked me to rank my issue as normal, urgent, or extremely urgent. I did a 6min long scream into the phone & let him decide.

@generaldietz

priest: you may now kiss the pride

me: excuse me?

priest: *motions to the other side of the altar where 7 to 8 lions with lipstick wait*

@Ristolable

ME: Sorry boss, I can’t make it in today. Because of Ebola.
BOSS: You have Ebola?
ME: No but someone does and I am FREAKING THE HELL OUT

@TheWeirdWorld

Ironing boards are just surf boards that stopped pursuing their dreams and got a real job instead.

@Dwarven_Cleric

After living in terror for 27 years, Gloria Estefan’s threat is realized; I open my car door, and am brutally attacked by the rhythm.

@H0TMessBarbie

I’ve finally reached the age where I can’t function without my glasses…especially if they’re empty.

@mostlysharks

Stop talking trash about marine life!

Sharks are POWERFUL

Whales are GENTLE

Crabs are RESOURCEFUL

Jellyfish are PEACEFUL

Dolphins

Octopi are VERY SMART

@nakedlaughing

[using Ouija Board]

“Will i ever find true love–”
“NEW GHOST WHO DIS”