You god damn morons. All these celebrity nudes were leaked by the Illuminati to distract us from important shit like karate and hoverboards.
A growing boy needs his lunch, I mumble as I throw another american girl doll into the supermassive black hole that’s slowly devouring my backyard
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My phone says connected but somehow I don’t feel it
writer: ok so a guy and girl named jack and jill
editor: ugh 2 lame white kid names. fine, go on
writer: well, they go up a hill
editor: i’m already bored
writer: to fetch a pail of water
editor: kill me
writer: no trust me it gets better
*calls child protective services*
PROTECTIVE SERVICES: Why would you name me this, mom?
How to fall down stairs
Never in my wildest dreams have I imagined myself entering a bank, wearing a mask, and asking for money.
FIREFIGHTER: You need to get out of here [dodges falling support beam] right now!
ME: [staring at toaster waiting for pop tart] come on come on
I wish all tests were things you peed on
Have to go out in public and wear pants..
Uuugh..need to shave my ankles again.