6-year-old: Did you know an octopus has 9 brains?
Me: I did not know that.
6-year-old: That’s because you only have 1 brain.
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Why is “Dark” spelled with a K, and not a C ?
Because you can’t C in the dark.
Sure, sex is great, but have you ever shoved a bunch of pots and pans in the cabinet and shut the door real quick for the next person to deal with?
I needed a break from stupidity so I left work early.
Dyslexic Superbowl watchers were probably disappointed when they saw football instead of a superb owl.
A good lawyer can generally cite a couple hundred laws off the top of their head and that’s still fewer rules than the games my 11 y/o invents and makes me play with her.
After my virtual doctors appointment I had a nap so good that I forgot I was in Vegas, woke up, and scared the shit outta myself.
Every time someone says, “at least it’s a dry heat,” I want to stab them with a box cutter.
*at least it’s a short knife.
I carry an extra fish stick behind my ear like a Marlboro.
fun fact: scientists discovered years ago that dogs and cats could actually talk and converse with humans, unless their human turned out to be super duper boring
Her: What do you look for in a relationship?
Me: A way out.
:S :C :H :O :O :L – You can’t find happy faces.
Nearly one in two marriages end in divorce, so statistically it isn’t enough to make sure your own marriage is good, real wed-heads should actively be working to break other couples up.
I hate when people do that thing in traffic that I also do.
My wife: How does a summer road trip with the kids sound?
Me: Sounds like we had a good run.
To keep yourself healthy you should get 8 hours of sleep a day.
To keep the planet healthy you should get 24.
Niece: A have a lot of friends named Nathan, there’s Nathan…(endless droning about nicknames)
Me: When they are together, do you call them The United Nathans?
(Not sure what happened after that because I was laughing hysterically at what may be the best dad joke ever made.)
Happy thanksgiving!
Death be not proud. Death not so great with words, but happy to go out with any girl you want fix Death up with.
No tailgaters on the truck loosely hauling porta- potties.
*Britney Spears releases a new fragrance*
*the other dinner guests look embarrassed and pretend not to notice.*
Making it easier for the municipal leaf removal crew by dropping each leaf in an envelope & mailing it to city hall
My husband pissed me off today, so I hid his keys by putting them in the spot where we keep our keys.
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a case of Girl Scout Cookies.
The earth is moving, plz stop giving credit to the sun for rising
Surgeon: We’ve successfully removed part of your intestine
Me: That took guts, LOL
Patient: Who is that guy?
Surgeon: I thought you knew him
Before Isaac Newton discovered gravity everyone had to glue themselves down.
“How old are you?”
Things you say to your third child.
Murphy does not need a real egg to feel accomplished!!He’s quite content with his rock, and VERY protective of it! After his spring hormones have run their course, he will get bored and move on to other activities. Poor rock.
[home depot guy going through my list] these are all the things from the game Mouse Trap
It’s getting Hot In Herre, so take off all your clothes! Also, drink this water because I don’t want you to get dehydrated.
-Nervous Nelly