A growing boy needs his lunch, I mumble as I throw another american girl doll into the supermassive black hole that’s slowly devouring my backyard

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You god damn morons. All these celebrity nudes were leaked by the Illuminati to distract us from important shit like karate and hoverboards.


writer: ok so a guy and girl named jack and jill

editor: ugh 2 lame white kid names. fine, go on

writer: well, they go up a hill

editor: i’m already bored

writer: to fetch a pail of water

editor: kill me

writer: no trust me it gets better


*calls child protective services*
PROTECTIVE SERVICES: Why would you name me this, mom?


How to fall down stairs
Step 1
Step 6
Step 7,8,9,11


Never in my wildest dreams have I imagined myself entering a bank, wearing a mask, and asking for money.


FIREFIGHTER: You need to get out of here [dodges falling support beam] right now!

ME: [staring at toaster waiting for pop tart] come on come on


Have to go out in public and wear pants..

Uuugh..need to shave my ankles again.