Tech support guy asked me to rank my issue as normal, urgent, or extremely urgent. I did a 6min long scream into the phone & let him decide.
A growing boy needs his lunch, I mumble as I throw another american girl doll into the supermassive black hole that’s slowly devouring my backyard
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Who wore it best? #Oscars2015
priest: you may now kiss the pride
me: excuse me?
priest: *motions to the other side of the altar where 7 to 8 lions with lipstick wait*
ME: Sorry boss, I can’t make it in today. Because of Ebola.
BOSS: You have Ebola?
ME: No but someone does and I am FREAKING THE HELL OUT
Ironing boards are just surf boards that stopped pursuing their dreams and got a real job instead.
After living in terror for 27 years, Gloria Estefan’s threat is realized; I open my car door, and am brutally attacked by the rhythm.
I’ve finally reached the age where I can’t function without my glasses…especially if they’re empty.
Stop talking trash about marine life!
Sharks are POWERFUL
Whales are GENTLE
Crabs are RESOURCEFUL
Jellyfish are PEACEFUL
Octopi are VERY SMART
[using Ouija Board]
“Will i ever find true love–”
“NEW GHOST WHO DIS”
Me: Do that thing that I like
Cop: I’m not frisking you again