Her: Why are you videoing that microwave meal?
Me: The instructions say ‘remove packaging and film’
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Them: Here’s a vague event invitation.
Me: I’m gonna need more info to work out if it’s accessible – food options, how many people going, is it indoors, COVID precautions…
Them: No worries if you can’t make it. [No further info provided].
Me: Thanks. I guess 🫠.
[zoo]
cop: what happened here?
boss: they attacked when he tried to inflate one of them
me inside enclosure: [with final breath] babloon
“Nope, not touching that… what else you got?”
-Me, as a therapist
Roses are red,
Daisies are free.I’ll never forget you,
It burns when I pee.
Stop saying ‘happy anniversary to my partner in crime.’
You do not commit crimes. You shop at Costco
“We’re gonna need more chalk.”
– detective who discovers my body
“Joe Biden and I are so close, some places in Indiana refuse to serve us pizza.” – President Obama
I was gonna buy a phone charger at the airport but I didn’t have $7000.
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing baby tiger?
me filling a big bowl with frosted flakes: no idea.
I gave a man a fish. I taught a man to fish.
Fish aren’t all that happy with me right now.
Next time your work asks why you’re calling out sick, tell them that you have the clap.
They won’t ask again.
*a movie that’s 100% studio logo animations but the audience doesn’t even notice until 30 minutes in*
One of the top features of squirrels, for me, has got to be that squirreliness
There are two kinds of people.
Try not to be either one of them.
If couples who are in love are called love birds, then really, couples who always fight should be called angry birds!
“Stop hitting me.”
-Rock bottom.
You’ve just ordered Pizza Hut and a 2L Mountain Dew. You’ve loaded up Diablo on your PC. No school tomorrow. Your parents don’t care if you stay up all night long. A perfect Summer night. You are 39 years old. The year is 2023.
Ben Carson is my favorite candidate whose name sounds like a Transformer explaining to his kid why he hasn’t seen him much lately
My daughter just announced she’s SICK of stupid-ass people. I said “Oh darlin, you’re gonna feel ill for a long time.. they’re everywhere.”
I’ve never literally been tortured but I have walked behind old people when I was in a hurry.
Yes ma’am, I understand you’re taking “pitchures” so I’m sorry for accidentally walking in front of you in this very public place.
Me: it was my grandmother’s ring
Her: *gasp* it’s beautiful
Me: and this is my mother’s wedding dress
Her: your… your family is okay with you trick or treating in that?
Despite evidence to the contrary, I still maintain typing louder and harder will magically make my incorrect password correct.
Old age is nothing but a computer with 1000 GB of memory running on a celeron processor
ME: [knocks on ambulance window]
PARAMEDIC: Can I help you?
ME: Are you carrying a patient?
PARAMEDIC: Not at the moment.
ME: Mind if I nap on the stretcher?
This is the worst carnival ever. I can’t believe they blocked the street off for this.
Sir, this is a crime scene.
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
If you ever have doubts about whether people are stupid, ask a tattoo artist what they’ve had to refuse to do for a customer
The devil on my left shoulder says “eat the cheese”
The worse devil on my right says “eat the entire pizza”