@JoleenDoreen

A guy asked me out!
Well, a guy asked me if I was going to be the same place he is.

FINE, my boss called to see if I was coming to work.

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@JennyJohnsonHi5

I’m so confused when the TV voice before a show I’m about to watch says, “For mature audiences only.” Can I watch or not?

@clichedout

HER: I love classic rock

ME: [trying to impress] I’ve been to the Grand Canyon

@mumbletoes

[a parallel universe where cows are the dominant species]
COW 1: Shall we drink stuff that comes out of humans?
COW 2: No

@VerifiedDrunk

If evolution were real you’d think my body would’ve learned how to be drunk on its own by now.

@JKickinit30

*touches your nose*
*touches your mouth*
*touches your forehead*

Them: Why are you touching me?

Me: Gotta be a mute button somewhere

@Home_Halfway

GF: I wanna move in together
COP BF: *writes a ticket*
GF: What are you doing?
COP BF: This is for relationship speeding. Slow down, Brenda.

@whatmaddness

Two raccoons reach into a moonlit bag of trash. A moment! Their paws meet. They lock eyes. They hiss and scratch the shit out of each other.

@JennyJohnsonHi5

My stepson and his friend are driving around in my car. If he wrecks it, I have insurance. If he plays Nickelback in it, I’ll murder him.

@JasonCarney31

“911 what’s your emergency?” MY WIFE IS BEATING MY KIDS! “Okay. I’ll send the police” *hangs up. OH CRAP I FORGOT TO SAY “AT MARIOKART”