A guy came up to me and said he loved my car selfies. Well, it was a cop and his actual words were “This ticket is for distracted driving.”
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9yo to 6yo: “Why is it so hard for you to understand this? Are you Alexa??”
As someone with extensive IT experience, I can almost guarantee the AT&T outage yesterday was over some certificate expiring somewhere and nobody knowing how to regenerate it because Carl got laid off seven years ago and the only machine with the keys decommissioned in 2019.
I’ll admit, ever since I saw Psycho as a kid I’ve felt a tiny bit nervous each time I kill someone in the shower.
Friend: have you ever been to Norway?
Wife: sadly no.
Friend: why not?
Wife: my husband said we can’t afford it.
Me: that’s not what I said.
Wife:
Friend:
Wife: [sigh] he said we can’t afjord it.
it is time once again
Me: *Asks question on snapchat*
Them: *Answers question on snapchat*
Me: “Wait, what did I ask again?”
Apparently I have to stop yelling ‘dear god why do bad things always happen to good people’ every time my mil walks through the door
I wrote “except zombies” on my welcome mat so I know I’ll be safe during a zombie apocalypse.
If you have trouble sleeping, you’re destined to marry someone who falls asleep in 10 seconds and will hate them for it.
[1st date]
You’re gonna love this place
*pushes you out the passenger side door and drives away
I’m fat, so when I get mad, I get massive aggressive.
i’m not surprised they turned on steve bannon… everyone always resents the hottest person in the group of friends
“People have been laughing at me for years for wearing my swim goggles everywhere for protection but who’s laughing now?”
{Turns around quickly}, “I heard that!”
I had a peach bellini with breakfast and it wasn’t even the best decision I made today but it was a damned good one.
[me yelling to the cameraman from cops as I get taken away] edit the part out where I tried to do a flip
[hit & run crime scene]
me: judging from the treads, it looks like the perp deliberately swerved into the viccop: sir, you can keep referring to yourself in the 3rd person but we have you on tape leaving the scene AND returning
me: criminals, when will they ever learn amirite?
Birds & Planes.
God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: dang i’m pretty big!
God: you’re actually the largest land animal in the world.
Elephant: oh wow!
God: I know right?
Elephant: am I the loudest?
God: lol goodness no.
Elephant: well who is?
God: [looks around] I call it the toddler : )
I can’t believe they get women to pay so much for those boots & can’t even spell ‘Ugly’ right…
My dancing style can best be described as “newborn gazelle being chased by lion.”
playing my favorite songs that no ones enjoying but me
Spoiler alert: Sometimes accountants are boring on purpose because we think it’s funny when we see people’s eyes glaze over.
Dear Abby,
I never thought this would happen to me. Today I met a sexy woman who told me I write letters to the wrong publication.
*guitarist breaks guitar*
HELL YEAH
*drummer throws drums*
YES YES
*singer stabs a bunch of guys*
OH MY GOD
*bassist plants a bomb*
STOP
STYLIST: “What are you thinking?”
HIM: “This might sound weird…”
STYLIST: “Try me.”
HIM: “What if Abraham Lincoln and John Lennon gave birth to a fidget spinner?”
STYLIST: “I got this.”
Me: I think you’re going to be sick tonight.
My 9yo: *eating their fifth dinner* Why do you think that?
Tide Pods? When I was a kid we ate normal things like dog biscuits.
Now they’ll never find me…😂😏🐻
I’ll be the one at the office Christmas party, waiting patiently near the exit, so I can be the second person to leave.
Penguins can’t fly. Sometimes I get bummed out thinking about that. But then I remember I don’t have to clean penguin shit off my car.