A Guy Doing Push Ups ‘One.. Two.. Three..’
*A Girl Passes by..*
Guy: “82.. 83.. 84..”
You Might Also Like
*walks into a nuclear power plant
Do you serve fission chips?
I’ll see myself out..
hmm conte-me mais
Colleague: All Fossil watches should hv an ancient look, to justify the brand name
Me: By that logic, Guess watches shouldn’t show the time.
Yes but what if Donald Trump IS actually dead but his toupee is alive and steering him round like a marionette?
I think this man might be the one, I say right before he dumps me and I never hear from him again
welcome to your forties now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder
Me: I’d like to withdraw some daylight from my savings please
Bank: sorry no
Me: look I’ve been inside for 8 weeks now, there must be *something* in there
Bank: ok thats not really how this works
Me: omg this is daylight robbery
him: it’s nice that you wear your heart on your sleeve
me: that’s ketchup
King-sized beds: Because you both want to sleep on the same mattress, but not in the same zip code.
*trying a new meal*
Wife: how do you like it?
Son: *hesitating* my water’s pretty good
Random Company: “Why would you like to work for our company?”
Me: “Well sir/madam, I’ve grown very fond of eating and having a roof over my head and I don’t want to lose that.”
WHY WON’T THOSE FOOTBALL PLAYERS LISTEN TO THE EXCELLENT ADVICE MY HUSBAND IS SCREAMING AT THEM?
“It got weird, didn’t it? ”
*Leaves on a pogo stick.*
My husband sent me a text that said…I love you, but have something gross to tell you. I can tell it’s going to be terribly romantic.
A cheap way to get Botox face is by walking your dog in zero degree temperature.
*bites nails*
Sorry. Bad habit. I haven’t been on a date in a while
“I can see why” she says, pulling her fingers out of my mouth
Flight delayed due to engine issue heard maintenance guy say “turned it off and back on” oh great I feel very comfortable with that solution ty.
when you and your sibling have to pretend to like each other long enough for mom to take the picture
The best thing about humans is that many of the richest and most prosperous among us collect bottles of rotten grape juice.
Finally found a house! We couldn’t afford it and it wasn’t for sale, but we just murdered the owners and took it anyway. Happy Columbus Day!
Wife: omg it’s happening
Me: what is?
*the lights go out, wind rattles the windows*
Wife: the baby is coming
Me: what?!
Wife: the baby is coming right now
Me: you’re not pregnant!
*door creaks open*
Wife: run
Though we appreciate your application for the position, HR has decided to go with a potted plant instead.
the cashier at taco bell gave me the senior discount without asking me. I’m 38.
I used to be an atheist until my 8YO started asking for help with her math homework
Me: [doing crossword] a body of water; three letters.
Wife: bay.
Me: flying insect w/ stinger; three letters.
Wife: bee.
Me: to hush someone; four letters.
Wife: shhh.
Me: boat Noah built; three letters.
Wife: ark.
Me: DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO.
I find so much of my wife’s hair in the shower, I stashed some silver bullets in the nightstand. Just in case.
I like to pack a healthy lunch for work so that by 3 p.m. I’m ready to do unspeakable things for a piece of chocolate.
I am doomed ! My eight year god daughter borrowed my beard trimmers and removed her long blonde hair whilst I was making custard. Her parents do not pick her up until tomorrow lunch time. She is happy as Larry, actually looks good with a crew cut. I am doomed
So embarrassing when you leave the bathroom and someone points out you have toilet paper stuck to your teeth.
Everybody loves a foam finger. Unless you’re sitting behind a very energetic child wearing one at a ballgame.