@Try2StopME

A Guy Doing Push Ups ‘One.. Two.. Three..’

*A Girl Passes by..*

Guy: “82.. 83.. 84..”

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@Bob_Janke

old people with oxygen tanks are sneaking away to live in an underwater utopia

@JurassicPark2go

Yes we left some guests inside the park last night. yes we’re going back for them. Calm down

@iamspacegirl

me as a realtor:
This house does include a crawl space. It’s probably full of bones already, but you can always add more bones yourself.

@English_Channel

Them: The meek shall inherit the earth

the meek: *looks around* umm, I’m good

@geowizzacist

(Treehouse)

Me: *picks up empty tin can, places it to ear*

Voice at other end: Hello we’re conducting a quick survey.

@murrman5

[rose from the movie titanic a couple years later sitting on crowded bus]
excuse me, can you slide over so I ca-
“NO, there’s no room”

@stevevsninjas

Ever since I bought this Queen mattress I’ve got shivers down my spine, body’s aching all the time.

@KeetPotato

interviewer: “so what makes you think you’d be good at checking tickets at our cinema?”
me: [picks up my résumé and rips it a little bit]

@3sunzzz

My mom: Easter is at noon on Sunday.

Me: I’m not religious but I’m pretty sure Easter is all day.

@pplwtching

Ever notice you can hardly touch something that just came off a grill, but yet a fly can land on that MFer like its room temperature?