A Guy Doing Push Ups ‘One.. Two.. Three..’

*A Girl Passes by..*

Guy: “82.. 83.. 84..”

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old people with oxygen tanks are sneaking away to live in an underwater utopia


Yes we left some guests inside the park last night. yes we’re going back for them. Calm down


me as a realtor:
This house does include a crawl space. It’s probably full of bones already, but you can always add more bones yourself.


Them: The meek shall inherit the earth

the meek: *looks around* umm, I’m good



Me: *picks up empty tin can, places it to ear*

Voice at other end: Hello we’re conducting a quick survey.


[rose from the movie titanic a couple years later sitting on crowded bus]
excuse me, can you slide over so I ca-
“NO, there’s no room”


Ever since I bought this Queen mattress I’ve got shivers down my spine, body’s aching all the time.


interviewer: “so what makes you think you’d be good at checking tickets at our cinema?”
me: [picks up my résumé and rips it a little bit]


My mom: Easter is at noon on Sunday.

Me: I’m not religious but I’m pretty sure Easter is all day.


Ever notice you can hardly touch something that just came off a grill, but yet a fly can land on that MFer like its room temperature?