A guy hands me a lit doobie at a party. I panic and pretend to play it like a tiny trumpet.
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[having sex]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: I’ve been wearing the same underwear for weeks
HER: no, I mean-
ME: I drink my own bath water
When I was 19 I worked at Staples. They showed us an anti-union video during training. That was the day I realized it’s okay to steal from work
Me: I just need you to tell me when my clothes are dry.
Dryer: Please, no talking until intermission.
5: I cleaned my room.
Me: Great! Do you feel good? Sometimes it makes me feel good when I clean something.
5: No. Next time you can do it.
8 out of 24 Americans cannot reduce a fraction.
*watches a show about global warming*
Yeah whatever, doesn’t affect me.*watches a show about bear attacks*
Would I be able to take a bear?
I love how fresh & clean my bathroom smells after I’ve killed a spider with a full bottle of windex
“I need a woman who can help me grow”
First of all, I’m not Fertilizer.
Saving this screenshot for when my grandkids ask me what 2017 was like.
I said I was mad at myself.
My 4yo son looked at me. “There are fancier words for mad,” he said, fixing my hair. “You should say irritated.”
“Sandwich artist” is a bit pretentious sir when you’re actually a subcontractor.
Wanna know what it’s like being married?
Chain yourself to a wild animal.
Now kick the animal.
Why do they only put expiration DATES on food? It’d be fun as hell if they gave us the exact time too. “We got 8 minutes to eat this ham!!!”
A girl on the bus just batted her eyes at me, but I ducked and they flew out the window.
I’ve decided to try water tomorrow, I’m pretty excited.
ME: welcome home John Wick
JOHN WICK: thanks roomie. How’s my tamagotchi?
ME: *starts sweating profusely*
[simba and nala sit atop pride rock staring at a beautiful sunset]
simba: *pulls engagement ring from his hip pocket* circle of wife amirite!
nala:
simba:
nala: where’d you get a hip pocket?
Waiter: Dessert’s on me.
Me: *leaning close* Where on you, Jeremy?
How do the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles have 6-pack abs? They can’t do sit-ups.
The point of your 20s
our bidet has two settings: babbling brook or pressure wash 30-year-old grime off the sidewalk
no job yet but i’ve been staying busy!
if I’m ever feeling lonely and I need someone to talk to me, I just announce to my spouse or kids that I’m about to take a nap
Squirrels don’t hibernate in the winter they just get angry.
*Gets called into HR
Me: What was I accused of now?
HR: I haven’t had any sexual harassment claims against you lately. Is everything ok?
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emer-
Dinosaur: I’M BEING ATTACKED BY A GIANT SNAKE
Dinosaur 911: same color as you?
Dinosaur: YES
Dinosaur 911: is it your own tail?
Dinosaur: ok, you’re gonna laugh
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
India launched a rocket to Mars this morning. That’s a heck of a place to put a call centre.
[first day as a masseuse]
Me: [closing book] “…& they all lived happily ever after”
Customer: “That’s not what I meant by ‘happy ending'”
if i was gandalf, i absolutely wouldn’t make four tiny little shoeless bumpkin boys a core part of my crack team to defeat a goblin mega-hitler, but it worked so fair play to him