@Tommytoughstuff

A guy hands me a lit doobie at a party. I panic and pretend to play it like a tiny trumpet.

A guy hands me a lit doobie at a party. I panic and pretend to play it like a tiny trumpet.

- @Tommytoughstuff

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@SardonicTart

[Sunday morning]

Me: Finally a day I can sleep in

Birds: We’ll see about that lol

@Pork_Chop_Hair

If you are stressed and it’s making me stressed, then your desserts are also my desserts. That’s science. Now be quiet and hand me a spoon.

@JulieSnark

Pepsi and Coke can’t even be in the same restaurant together and society wants us all to get along. Pffftt.

@garrettbarry70

A pop up blocker for coworkers who send you an email and immediately show up at your desk to ask if you got their email.

@LambyMcSheeps

Sometimes you need a little distance to see things clearly, but other times it is obviously a bear and you should probably just run

@JohnLyonTweets

[caught sneaking spaghetti into a movie theater] It’s OK, I have a medical marinara card.

@Book_Krazy

Me: OMG, Bill and Cindy got divorced!!!

Hub: I know! He’s got a fresh slate. That guys livin the dream!

Me:…

Hub:…his dream, not mine

@bossy_bootz

Of course I can handle constructive criticism
*resents you for the next 50 yrs

@LetMeStart

Son: How do you always know when we lie? It’s like you’re a psychic or a wizard or something.
Me: The word you’re looking for is “mother.”

@Brianhopecomedy

“And the Oscar for Best Actress goes to…..Beyoncé?”

*Kanye slowly sits down*