pros & cons of going out with me
pros: you’re not alone anymore
A guy I know got bitten by a radioactive bedbug. He spent 3 weeks in a coma, but when he came round again he was able to fold a fitted sheet
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When I use my grandmother’s cast iron skillet I feel close to her. Even though she’s way, way up there repairing the space station
Definitely never want to own a small fruit stand in an action movie.
The Terminator: I need your clothes
Me: no problem *unbuttons skinny jeans and lays down* pull
The Terminator: ok this isn’t going to work
Me: *holding up a leg* PULL
My doctor said NO drinking for 2 weeks,then we both laughed.
I was the only one who would bake with my grandmother. When she died she left her best recipe to everyone except she deliberately left out a crucial step as payback. That’s the level of petty I aspire to.
When I die I don’t want a big funeral. I’d just like a few of my close friends to get together and try to bring me back to life…
I’m on my way
Kurt Cobain: take your time
The choice is yours
Don’t be late
Sorry I’m late, there was an octopus throwing pies at me so I was literally… Occupied
If someone shows up at my house unannounced, I won’t open the door.
I just stand on the other side of the glass shaking my head no.