A guy I know got bitten by a radioactive bedbug. He spent 3 weeks in a coma, but when he came round again he was able to fold a fitted sheet
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*knuckle tats*
( S | H | H | H) ( H | H | H | H )
(I’m a librarian)
My kidneys: WE NEED WATER!!
My bladder: Don’t listen to them.
You were the hot single in your area the whole time.
I’d heard there was a secret chord
To charge my phone, and I need it, Lord
But you don’t know where it’s hiding right now, do you?
I feel forsaken –
The fourth, the fifth chords in the house are taken,
The baffled dad complaining…Hallelujah
Hell yeah, I found it, Hallelujah
[morgue]
mum: [crying over my bullet ridden body] how did this happen
cop: the robber yelled “everyone be cool” so he tried to do a kickflip
*kicking off my shoes at the end of the day but my feet go with them* haha whoops
My kids just pounded on my office door yelling “FBI – open up!!!” when I was on a work call, so yeah, I’m totally looking forward to them going back to school in-person.
Did you try turning your relationship off and then back on again?
mom: Why are your eyes red? Are you high!?
[flashback to me cry-singing Taylor Swift’s “Love Story” in the car on the way over]
me: Yes
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Is Kohl’s cash okay?
Okay hear me out.
I cooked up bacon in my cast iron, then made sausage patties in the bacon grease, and THEN made gravy out of the bacon AND sausage grease.
I’d marry me
Her: tell me want I want to hear baby
Me: your order is on its way
Her: oh god, yes!
I ducked into a crowd of guys bro hugging as they left the bar, they didn’t notice the stranger in their midst and I’m feeling so loved rn.
[Visiting a Cybercafe for the first time]
Me: one internet please
this is me not knowing my powerpoint presentation was not showing up on the screen but my wallpaper instead
I’ve stopped texting “K” and started texting “L” instead so I don’t have to reach so far over with my thumb.
I got mood poisoning. Must have been something I hate.
school taught me a lot of useless stuff but nothing tops state capitals. if i’m ever in a career that depends on me knowing where Delaware’s governor works i have made some serious missteps in life
“Ever go to a mall and buy something from the 1st store you stop in? And for the rest of the night you have to carry the bag, watch the bag, remember to pick up the bag after you set it down. It’s kinda like that.”
-me trying to explain to a friend what it’s like to raise a child
Sunday night: Super Bowl party!
Monday morning: Toilet Bowl party!
No point crayon over spilled milk.
[speed dating]
Him: have you ever been married?
Me: just once… we had a beautiful ceremony in my parents yard with all my Barbie dolls in attendance but an hour later he went back to live with his mom
Him: lol aww you were 5?
Me: don’t be ridiculous *sips drink* I was 30
The cops said 911 was for emegencies only and not for me to report suspicious looking clouds.
If at first you don’t succeed, it’s called ‘Attempted’ Murder.
I act really tough for a person who spent $40 on cookies I dont like because a girl scout was crying
[boss finds pics of me snowboarding]
“You missed work bc you said you were sick…& judging from these pics, YOU WERENT LYING”
*fist bump*
“Don’t do anything you wouldn’t want published” – my mom
Like bro I’m in bed at 10:30pm what do you think I’m doing?!?