A guy I know got bitten by a radioactive bedbug. He spent 3 weeks in a coma, but when he came round again he was able to fold a fitted sheet

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You: I got a headache.

WebMD: It’s gonna be your last one.


“Don’t let a hot date turn into a due date.”–my father’s actual sex talk with me when I was 13.

Not. Even. Joking.


I think I overdosed on comfort food last night….

That makes 7,427 days in a row.


‘Two can play that game…’

-people who dont understand that’s how games usually work


Guy in restaurant: Mam, are u ok? Are u choking?

Me: *wipes off drool & removes a cherry stem from my mouth that’s not tied in a knot*


With all the ghosting these days you’d think there’d be more documented ectoplasmic incidents.


*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”


Apparently saying, “Oh, I just came to watch” makes everyone else uncomfortable in the Pilates class.


Someone just sat across from me at a table at Starbucks. They got too close to my food so I bit them.