@WheelTod

A guy I know got bitten by a radioactive bedbug. He spent 3 weeks in a coma, but when he came round again he was able to fold a fitted sheet

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@m3aruf

pros & cons of going out with me

pros: you’re not alone anymore

cons: me

@MavenofHonor

When I use my grandmother’s cast iron skillet I feel close to her. Even though she’s way, way up there repairing the space station

@joeveix

Definitely never want to own a small fruit stand in an action movie.

@WhaJoTalkinBout

The Terminator: I need your clothes

Me: no problem *unbuttons skinny jeans and lays down* pull

The Terminator: ok this isn’t going to work

Me: *holding up a leg* PULL

@Peteypops13

My doctor said NO drinking for 2 weeks,then we both laughed.

@BoomBoomBetty

I was the only one who would bake with my grandmother. When she died she left her best recipe to everyone except she deliberately left out a crucial step as payback. That’s the level of petty I aspire to.

@djdarrellripley

When I die I don’t want a big funeral. I’d just like a few of my close friends to get together and try to bring me back to life…

@davidkenny100

*Text

I’m on my way

Kurt Cobain: take your time

Ok cool

Hurry up

Er… sorry

The choice is yours

Oh! Ok

Don’t be late

Ffs dude!

@BareChesty

Sorry I’m late, there was an octopus throwing pies at me so I was literally… Occupied

@ddsmidt

If someone shows up at my house unannounced, I won’t open the door.

I just stand on the other side of the glass shaking my head no.