A guy in New York had a CVS receipt
stuck to his shoe.Luckily, a lady in Chicago saw it and
was kind enough to pull it off for him.
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Cop: License and registration please.
Me: Give me a second, I’m drunk.
Cop: Sir, have you been drinking?
Me: No.
I have a list of things I need reached That I’m handing the 1st tall person that comes to visit me.
contractor: [looking at a water leak in my office] ok so it’s just a simple fix. you could do it yourself if you wanted to
me: yea i don’t
[First Day Working At The Zoo]
Me: Well I got the pandas to have sex. It was super easy.
Boss: They actually mated with each other?
Me: Oh not with each other
Already cringing thinking of the number of holiday cards that will be sent this year of families wearing coordinated facial masks.
playing my favorite songs that no ones enjoying but me
Crazy to think back before camera phones we all used to sit in front of bathroom mirrors with sketch pads.
Mr & Mrs Smith is my favorite movie about how trying to kill your spouse & demolishing your house can bring the magic back to your marriage
Me: Is that a Yeti cooler?
Yeti: *flicks cigarette* Cooler than what?
This is a terrible place to stay! The sheets are scratchy, the pillow is thin and the recreational activities sorely limited! 1 1/2 ⭐️
Yelp: Its prison ma’am.
“Enjoy this gift of a very normal large wooden horse”
A lot of people don’t know this but the couch that played coffee shop couch in Friends is a couch in real life too
[first time skydiving]
Me: LET’S GOOOOO- *jumps out*
Instructor (staring at me laying on the concrete): Plane hasn’t taken off yet
I once made the irresponsible decision to drink and drive and now I have to live the rest of my days with a coffee stain on my favorite sweater.
why did elementary schools just occasionally bring in a dude with a big snake. who was that man. what were his credentials
Warm pools make me nervous.
Friend 1: I love dry shampoo; it’s so simple!
F2: no water
F3: no chemicals
Me: Your hair is filthy.
My kid said “don’t look at me,” and now it’s like my eyes are glued to her face and I can’t look anywhere else.
that time I was high af and thought I laid an egg
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you’re packing for an important mission, you should definitely pull your knife out of its sheath and then put it back in to make sure it’s still there.
SCIENTISTS: there are only 90 seconds remaining on the doomsday clock
ME: [73 seconds still remaining on my microwave hotdog] c’mon… c’monnn
If you don’t think government is inefficient and wasteful, explain how the Census Bureau has been around so long yet we still use Fahrenheit
Boss: Can I have a word?
Me: Color
Boss: No, I want a word with YOU
Me: Colour
Sorry my diet made me slap the oreo out of your toddler’s hand and scream “NOT TODAY SATAN!”
*Takes our kid away so my wife can have a break*
*Takes kid to pub*
*Bumps into wife at pub*
“On my way” I said, pretending to drive my bed.
the simulation is moving too fast
I SAID TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SAFE
Your boss will respect you more if you sometimes disagree, especially if you touch their face and say “You silly goose.”
friend: got any advice for a struggling actor?
me: maybe audition for roles that involve being tied up