[a guy is playing acoustic guitar at a local pub]
Me: do you take requests?
Him: yes!
Me: can you stop playing?
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Why didn’t I marry a hairdresser or a baker. I did not think this through.
Me: But where do you see this relationship in five years?
Her: Sir! For the last time, do you want extra cheese or not?
customarily, clothes go in the hamper not next to it
You know you’re old when you start telling people how much cheaper things used to be.
My kid got so bored he asked to do chores, so if you need me, I’ll be over here on my fainting couch
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
The downside of DVR is getting freaked out by tornado warnings from four days ago
Saw a bird at my feeder shit on another bird’s head and that bird just kept right on eating. I’ve never before felt this close to nature.
Not to brag but I used hand soap before it was trending.
People who give you their attention only when they’re lonely or bored…
No thank you.
I already have a cat.
✨ check 🧵 for the bonus panels! ✨
Creature from outer space tries to elude financial officer who wants his money back.
– Alien Vs Creditor.
Ever noticed how you used to be embarrassed by things you did or that happen to you, but now your first thought is “I can tweet that”
A man of commitment.
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: solving equations
professor 3: wow
John Lennon got shot and died.
Cam’ron got shot and drove to the hospital in a Lamborghini.
Not even a contest.
Answers phone breathlessly
Friend: Sorry!! Didn’t know you had company
Me: I was washing floors
F: Oh…is that the new code?
Me: No…
“OMG, it’s so big!”
(Your ego)
[ explaining The Plan ]
jesus: ok i gotta be honest, you lost me at the giant rabbit with eggs
god: look man, these ppl are idiots
A political analyst said we can defeat ISIS by “crippling them financially” so maybe we can sneak into Syria and build them a Whole Foods.
*Gets left on read for hours*
Me: “I’m never talking to them again”
Them: *Finally replies*
Me:
Reality called, I hung up. Not today Satan
My shetland pony was all black and we called him Midnight. His sister was not quite as dark and her name was Eleven Thirty.
I can’t tell the difference between large, extra large and jumbo eggs. There, I said it.
the only other single person at this wedding is my nephew fml
I just got off the phone with God. He’s pretty bummed out. Poor guy has a huge crush on an atheist, but she doesn’t even know he exists.
79.
Eating a slice of pizza is hard when you’re going through the car wash, without a car.
Start a slow-clap in a quiet, crowded room. The first person that joins you, marry them. They’re your soulmate.