[a guy is playing acoustic guitar at a local pub]
Me: do you take requests?
Him: yes!
Me: can you stop playing?
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ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEACHER: I don’t know, CAN you?
BILLY: *Sigh* MAY I sacrifice a goat to the great demon Belphegor?
TEACHER: Maybe after crafts.
I was raised catholic which means I have to close my eyes when I peel a banana.
God: letting you name each other’s breeds was brilliant on my part.
Cat: for the dogs I got Great Dane, Saint Bernard, and Golden Retriever : )
God: nice! your turn Dog!
Dog: oh.
Cat: I’m so excited!
Dog: alleycat.
Cat:
Dog: look I didn’t know we were being serious.
Before I had a child, I never knew that quietly disposing of a balloon could feel so much like a murder.
all my demons came for free. these must be organic.
The newest Teenage Mutant Ninja Jurtle: Thiccelangelo.
Hey cell phone companies who play smooth jazz hold music hoping I’ll lose interest and give up: yeah, it’s kinda working
Herbal tea…for when you want to drink some scented hot water.
imagine being 93 years old and then you’re bit by a vampire and you’re stuck being a 93 year old forever
I used to play the triangle in a reggae band but left because it was just one ting after another.
carving our initials in a hotdog before it’s boiled
Drama Llama is what they dubbed me in college. Not because of my theatrics, I earned the name by spitting.
me at the door waiting for my grubhub chicky wings
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
If I ever pass out, don’t come at me with smelling salts. A salted caramel cookie will do the trick.
there is no such thing as a domesticated cat. what we have done to dogs is impressive and obvious. what we have done to cats, so far as i can tell, is nothing
*seductively takes off winter coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
Husband: Okay, you’ve made your point. I’ll turn up the thermostat.
A small tragedy.
the worst part of the robot uprising will be the constant software updates
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted. I’ve lived here for 274 years and not noticed anything strange.
I long for the days when waking up with a “stiff one” wasn’t referring to my lower back.
The problem with wearing a reversible shirt is that at some point I want to show off how it works
@funTweeters “Bird Box 2” 2019. Rated:R. Run time: 6 minutes 11 seconds. Plot: Nightmarish aliens who invaded Earth and have killed, or forced into hiding, most of the population commit mass suicide after encountering the one force they didn’t count on…Chuck Norris.
little girl: he was a gift
horse dentist: then I cannot help you
My kids have the tuition bills of the children of a much wealthier father.
*lays down on the battlefield*
You all go on without me. I’m tired.
#ChangeAConsonantSpoilAMovie
Snapes On A Plane
If I’ve learned one thing in my almost-34-years of life on this planet, it’s that there is absolutely no dignified way to eat a yolky fried egg sandwich.
I “accidentally” washed my cellphone once, and my wife has never let me do laundry again…. Yeah Accident
I thought the best thing about adulthood would be the ability to buy as much Dr Pepper gum as I wanted.
It’s been discontinued and packs now sell for $50 on eBay.
You win again, life.