A guy just beeped for me to move from my parking spot and now I’ll be live tweeting from this spot for 3 more hours.

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Me: let’s go vegetarian
Husband: can we still eat eggs
M: of course
H: fish?
M: obviously
H: bacon on special occas-
M: we’d be crazy not to


How to dress like Lady Gaga: 1. Go to ikea. 2. Pick a object that doesn’t belong on your head. 3. Put it on your head.


When you’re mimicking someone behind their back and they suddenly turn around


I think the saying “every man for himself” was made up by women tired of making sandwiches


I like how all these people are acting like they’ve never seen a naked 37 year old man fight 3 security guards at a mall food court before.


Dog: I’m a man’s best friend, he even named one of his teeth after me.
Pussycat: Yeah, you’re not gonna win this one.


Trying to take the best instagram picture ever but the kittens keep drowning in the latte.


i hate when you google stuff like ‘insidious’ it gives you the definition but when you google ‘butt’ it doesn’t. define butt for me damn it


[first day as Uber driver]

Me: any song requests?

Passenger: no thanks

Me: *tuning guitar* you sure?