@burrowed_deep: A guy just beeped for me to move from my parking spot and now I’ll be live tweeting from this spot for 3 more hours.
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@Pork_Chop_Hair: [back at work after being a stay-at-home parent for many years] Me: alright, before this meeting starts, I want everyone to go pee. I don’t care if you don’t feel it, you need to try.
@Piecezilla: The weatherman said it's nice outside. I guess they don't let him watch the rest of the news.
@_The_Man__: Wife: the library called about an overdue book *eye my copy of Outlandish Excuses for Everyday Life* "Tell them I died in the moon wars"