A guy just beeped for me to move from my parking spot and now I’ll be live tweeting from this spot for 3 more hours.
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I started to clean house this evening, but my cat talked me into taking a nap.
Nothing like sitting on a chair at your kid’s school to inspire you to never eat cookies again.
Why run with scissors when you can run with bananas which are far less dangerous and also tasty snacks.
Idk if anyone else has experienced this but I don’t like when things negatively affect me
Fly wife: Notice anything?
Fly husband: …
Fly wife: Seventeen thousand eyes and not one spots my new haircut
Is 5 years too long of a time to reconnect with an old friend to let them know you got home okay?
*Makes a meal plan for the week*
*Eats sandwiches every day instead because nobody tells me what to do*
Next time a job interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years, say “Why TELL you when I can SHOW you?” then just sit there for 5 years.
Coworker: What would be your ideal-
Me: Sleeping
CW: But you didn’t let me finish my-
M: My answer is always sleeping.
teachers: it’s the 100th day celebration
me: oh wow, alread-
teachers: your kid has to bring something in
me: oh ok, sure what shou-
teachers: 100 somethings
i eat one snickers a day to build up immunity in case someone tried to kill me with snickers
Her: You don’t have to cook me dinner, we can just go out.
Me *tossing a jellyfish in the air like pizza dough* No it’s fine I don’t mind..
Therapist: You try too hard to get people to like you
Me: [painting her toenails] I need a “for instance”
The right response to “I’m a bit tied up at the moment” isn’t “what are you wearing?”
Apparently.
I got myself a wrap on my way home at 2am & a girl outside stopped me and said “my boyfriend’s stormed off. do you want his chips?” and she gave them to me and got in her uber alone and sped away into the night. i miss her.
Birthday Card Discreetly Passed Around Office Like Some Sort Of Covert CIA Operation
Twitter should give you 5,000 followers when you start and then you have to try and lose them.
Spice things up at church by french kissing your neighbor during the traditional greeting time.
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
Who did it better?
There’s no way that Cinderella was treated like shit her entire life, then a prince tells her he loves her & she wasn’t like “yeah right.”
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Wake me when AI does housework
Why do we always hurt the ones who eat the tator tots I was saving in the freezer?
*practices like 1000 times in the mirror*
[at Starbucks]
“One grander none-fatty flaparinno”
barista: …
“I’ll try again tomorrow”
Me: there there. No need for ugly crying
Him: I’m not crying
*gets whistled at, but by traffic cop
I canceled my plans to go swimming because it was threatening to rain. I was OK with getting wet but only on my terms.